Tired of being asked the same question for nearly two decades, System of a Down have reportedly implemented a new policy: $500 for every journalist who dares to ask about a new album. According to the band’s press release, the “Question Tax” will apply to interviews, podcasts, casual encounters at […]
fake news
New Study Confirms GOJIRA Fans Are Healthier And More Athletic Than Everyone Else Their Age
PARIS, FRANCE — A groundbreaking scientific study has revealed that fans of French metal titans GOJIRA are inexplicably fitter, faster, and stronger than the average person their age, baffling doctors and delighting gym owners everywhere. “Normally when you think of metal fans, you think of empty Monster cans and sore […]
DISNEY Announces Halloween Horror: Unmasked KISS In Hawaiian Shirts, No Autotune Included
Move over haunted houses and ghost rides—this year, Disney is offering a Halloween attraction so terrifying that even Freddy Krueger asked for a refund. On October 31st, KISS will take the stage at Disney’s Magic Kingdom completely unmasked, dressed in Hawaiian shirts, and singing live for an hour and a […]
Anthrax Fans File Petition: “Can You Guys Retire Too, Please?”
August 17, 2025 — Inspired by MEGADETH’s announcement of their final album and farewell tour, a group of exhausted ANTHRAX fans have reportedly launched an online petition begging the band to follow suit. The petition, titled “Anthrax Retirement: For the Greater Good of the Scene”, has already gathered over 30,000 […]
Live Nation Now Charging “Existence Fee” to Fans Who Merely Think About Concerts
📍 LOS ANGELES — In a bold leap forward in monetizing human consciousness, Live Nation has rolled out a new policy this week: charging fans $9.99 every time they merely think about going to a concert. “Whether you’re daydreaming about Pitbull at the amphitheater or having a half-conscious thought about […]
WATAIN Unveils New Perfume — Fans Immediately Hospitalized
It was only a matter of time. After years of bathing audiences in the fragrant mist of defibrinated pig’s blood and vintage goat essence, Swedish black metal purveyors WATAIN have finally entered the fragrance industry — and the results are as evil as they smell. The band announced their new […]
Katatonia Frontman Bans Proposals at Shows: “No Joy Allowed. Try a Divorce Instead”
In a bold yet unsurprising statement, Katatonia frontman Jonas Renkse has officially forbidden fans from proposing to their girlfriends during the band’s live performances. His reasoning? “I hate seeing people smile when we play,” he said with the emotional warmth of a Scandinavian winter. The gothic-doom legends, known for songs […]
“I Was Just Trying to Eat a Mozzarella Stick”: Marilyn Manson Superfan Banned From All UK Restaurants
Brighton, UK – July 30, 2025 While Marilyn Manson’s “One Assassination Under God” UK tour continues to cause cancellations and moral panic, one devoted British fan is now facing the ultimate consequence: total food exile. Meet Trevor Slagg, 37, of Milton Keynes — now dubbed by tabloids as “The Starving […]
Sanguisugabogg Targeted by Sexy AI Bots Who “Just Wanna Mosh and Love”
Instagram sex scams take a heartfelt detour into brutal death metal COLUMBUS, OH – The official Sanguisugabogg Instagram page has reportedly been bombarded this week—not by trolls or boomers confused by blast beats, but by thousands of unusually enthusiastic AI sex bots confessing their genuine love for the band’s music […]
DREAM THEATER Members Form Bold New Band That Just So Happens to Sound Exactly Like DREAM THEATER
PORT JEFFERSON, NY — In a stunning display of artistic reinvention, the members of progressive metal titans DREAM THEATER have announced the formation of an exciting new side project: Lucid Slumber, a band that, coincidentally, sounds indistinguishable from DREAM THEATER in every possible way — down to the 14-minute keyboard […]