In yet another twist in the never-ending saga of Dave Mustaine vs. Metallica — a feud now legally old enough to rent a car — the Megadeth frontman has dropped a bombshell in a new interview: he says he wrote the lyrics to Metallica’s “Orion.” Let that sink in. “Yeah, […]
fake news
CAVALERA Brothers Announce Chaos A.D. Tour… Again. Max Says, “We’ll Just Keep Doing Old Stuff Until The Checks Stop Coming.”
June 10, 2025 | Somewhere Between Refuse and Resist — Max and Igor Cavalera have just announced their “Chaos A.D. U.S. Tour 2025” where they’ll perform SEPULTURA’s legendary 1993 album in its entirety, again. That’s right. The same album. The same tracks. The same groove. But hey — new T-shirts! […]
CATTLE DECAPITATION Cancel European Tour, Say Too Many Vegans Got “Uncomfortable”
In a move that shocked precisely no one who’s ever tried to pronounce “Cattle Decapitation” in front of their oat milk latte, the extreme metal titans have announced the cancellation of their summer European tour, citing “circumstances beyond [their] control” — which insiders now confirm is code for “Europe has […]
Iron Maiden Asks Fans to Pocket Phones, Nickelback Asks Same — But for Totally Different Reasons
While Iron Maiden has boldly asked fans to put away their phones during their “Run for Your Lives” 50th anniversary tour in the name of artistic integrity and ‘80s nostalgia, Nickelback has announced a similar request for their own upcoming shows — but for entirely Nickelback reasons. Iron Maiden manager […]
TRUMP Starts Day With OBITUARY’S ‘Slowly We Rot’, Unveils “Deathcare” Health Reform Plan
Washington, D.C. — In a shocking yet completely on-brand revelation this morning, President Donald J. Trump admitted that he begins each workday by blasting a death metal album—claiming it “sets the tone” for his daily decisions. Today’s inspiration? Slowly We Rot by Florida’s finest, OBITUARY. “This is the most beautiful […]
GODSMACK Announce Hiatus As Sully Erna Launches Culinary YouTube Show “GodSlop”
In a shocking twist that literally nobody asked for, Sully Erna has announced that GODSMACK will be going on a year-long hiatus — not for rest, not for recording, but to finally answer the culinary call of destiny. Erna revealed in a recent interview that he’s “probably starting something new,” […]
Falling in Reverse Vows to Fire Drummer Daily to Honor Classic Rock Traditions
In a heartfelt tribute to legendary bands that can’t seem to hold onto their drummers for more than three days at a time, Falling in Reverse has announced a bold new initiative: firing their drummer once a day for the foreseeable future. The band’s frontman Ronnie Radke made the announcement […]
Kanye West is Working On A New Collab Album With Varg Vikernes Called “Black Brothers”
Just days after his Seoul concert was shockingly canceled due to “recent controversies” (translation: Kanye being Kanye), the rapper-turned-walking PR disaster has found a new creative outlet: teaming up with Norwegian church burner and black metal philosopher Varg Vikernes for what they’re calling the most misunderstood collab in history—a bold […]
SLEEP TOKEN Now So Big That President Trump Threatens Import Tariff on Their U.S. Tour
After Even In Arcadia exploded onto the Billboard 200 at No. 1 and broke records as the most-streamed hard rock album in history, President Donald J. Trump has announced a bold new initiative: an import tariff on Sleep Token’s entire U.S. tour. “We have to protect American rock,” Trump stated […]
Wolves Spare Man In Forest After He Blasts METALLICA’s 72 Seasons: “We Can Tolerate Screaming, But Not That”
DULUTH, MINNESOTA — In a rare show of mercy from nature, a man filming promo shots for his upcoming black metal project Ravensküll Frostgeist narrowly escaped a pack of wolves in the northern Minnesota woods late Tuesday night — not with fire, not with steel, but by blasting Metallica’s 2023 […]