After conquering rock radio, the Billboard charts, and every instrument known to man (and possibly a few unknown to science), Wolfgang Van Halen returns with his third album as MAMMOTH (previously Mammoth WVH), ominously titled The End. And what better way to say “this is the end” than with an […]
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OASIS Cancel Tour After Realizing World Only Cares About Ozzy
Oasis’ long-awaited reunion tour has come to a screeching halt just one show in, after the Gallagher brothers realized nobody actually came to see them — they came for Ozzy Osbourne. Or as many fans apparently thought: “Ossiz.” The confusion began early during the Cardiff kickoff when chants of “Mama, […]
Kid Rock Drops “Alligator Prison Anthem” for Trump’s 4th of July — A Swampy Salute to Freedom and Razor Wire
OCHOPEE, FL — July 3, 2025Kid Rock has never been accused of subtlety, and this 4th of July, he’s not starting now. To celebrate both America’s birthday and his lifelong crush on President Donald Trump, the self-declared redneck rock star has released a brand-new song titled “Alligator Prison (Stars, Bars […]
South Carolina Sludge Metal Band Replaces Two Members with Cats, Gains 10K Likes and Three PTA Moms Overnight
In a bold, furry, and slightly hairball-prone move, local South Carolina sludge metal band Moss Lizard has officially replaced their bassist and rhythm guitarist with two Maine Coon cats named Chonk Sabbath and Lilith Meowgoth. The band’s reasoning? “No one was liking our Instagram posts unless we were shirtless or […]
ASKING ALEXANDRIA To Become Masked Band Following Warped Tour Disaster: “You Can’t Critique What You Can’t See”
Following a catastrophic ”is-he-even-singing?” performance at Warped Tour on June 15th that left fans either in despair or uncontrollable meme mode, ASKING ALEXANDRIA has issued a bold, groundbreaking, totally not-a-cop-out statement: they are now becoming a masked band. In an official press release shared via Instagram stories and hastily deleted […]
DARKTHRONE Launch Crowdfunding Campaign: “Give Us €20,000 and We Swear We Won’t Make Another Album”
DARKTHRONE Launch Crowdfunding Campaign: “Give Us €20,000 and We Swear We Won’t Make Another Album” In an unprecedented act of mercy, legendary Norwegian black metal misanthropes DARKTHRONE have launched a crowdfunding campaign with a chilling promise: if fans can raise €20,000, the band will not release a new album. Ever. […]
METALLICA Fan Sues Liquid Death Over “Pit Diaper Failure” During “Seek And Destroy”
Liquid Death and Depend face legal heat after mosh-related moisture incident DENVER, CO — The mosh pit. A sacred arena of sweat, beer, questionable shirtlessness, and occasionally… bladder control issues. But for 320-pound lifelong Metallica fan Todd “Crusher” McMichaels, things took a turn from hardcore to horrifying during a recent […]
Brent Hinds Forms New Band MASTODON SUCKS, Promises One Embarrassing Story Per Song
Atlanta, GA — If you thought Brent Hinds was done talking trash about his ex-bandmates in Mastodon, buckle up: the man just plugged his amp into a blender full of resentment and hit record. Following his increasingly spicy social media jabs—most recently calling Mastodon “a shit band with horrible humans” […]
Nuclear Blast’s YouTube Channel Removed After Complaints From American Housewives Association: “It Just Sounds Too Dangerous”
June 23, 2025 — In today’s most metal case of censorship-by-karens, Nuclear Blast Records’ YouTube channel has mysteriously disappeared—and now we may finally have an explanation. While the label’s official statement blames an “external incident,” anonymous sources claim the real culprit is none other than the American Housewives Association, a […]
Brody King’s “Abolish ICE” Shirt Causes Unexpected Casualty: Vanilla Ice Considers Name Change, ‘Ice Ice Baby’ Pulled from Platforms
In a move that has both the hardcore scene and wrestling fans nodding in approval (and suburban Facebook dads seething into their trucker hats), God’s Hate frontman and AEW bruiser Brody King has officially launched an “Abolish ICE” t-shirt—designed by Travis Thornton—with all proceeds going to the Local Hearts Foundation. […]