“The Poisoned Ascendancy” Tour Becomes “The Tuckered Out Farewell” Tour What was once a promising nostalgic celebration of eyeliner, breakdowns, and late-2000s metalcore glory has ended in tears, TikToks, and a very bruised ego. Bullet for My Valentine have dramatically exited the remainder of their co-headlining tour with Trivium, allegedly […]
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DISTURBED Announce Next Album: Ten Thousand Love Songs After On-Stage Proposal Melts Faces (With Emotion, Not Riffs)
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a move that has officially confused the hell out of every nu-metal fan who came for breakdowns and emotional rage, DISTURBED frontman David Draiman pulled a fast one during the band’s May 9 concert in Sacramento—not by playing a deep cut, but by proposing to his […]
Welcome To Rockville 2025 Announces A Preparty Deathmatch Experience
Daytona Beach, FL – Florida’s loudest heatstroke-inducing mega-fest, Welcome To Rockville 2025, has dropped its full set times along with bold new plans to ensure fans are physically and emotionally broken before the main event even begins. To properly prepare attendees for what organizers call “Florida in May, but with […]
Vatican Confused After WEEDEATER Confesses to Causing Papal Conclave Smoke
Rome, Vatican City — In a stunning twist that has left Catholic officials bewildered and several bishops coughing, North Carolina sludge metal trio WEEDEATER has come forward claiming responsibility for the mysterious white smoke seen rising from the Sistine Chapel earlier today—smoke which traditionally signals the election of a new […]
LIFE OF AGONY Announces “30 Years of Ugly” Tour, Promises Keith Caputo Will Change Genders Every Other Night for Maximum Emotional Whiplash
Grunge-core icons and emotional trauma connoisseurs LIFE OF AGONY have announced their “30 Years of Ugly” tour, a full-album celebration of 1995’s cult classic Ugly—the record that boldly asked, “What if our depression could be even more melodic?” But that’s not all! In an unprecedented move designed to keep things […]
METALLICA’s James Hetfield Meets Racehorse Named After Their Hit (Sorry, Lulu)
In a beautiful collision of heavy metal and horse sweat, METALLICA frontman James Hetfield met his new four-legged tribute act on Friday: Sandman—a majestic three-year-old Kentucky Derby contender named after the band’s one indisputably enduring song, “Enter Sandman.” Yes, the gray colt, who probably headbangs in his sleep, was graced […]
HATEBREED’s Jamey Jasta Takes Control Of Summer Slaughter, Immediately Books Himself 6 Times
2025 to be rebranded as “The Summer Jasta Tour: Most Jasta-Filled Tour of the Year” In a bold move no one saw coming — except literally everyone — Hatebreed frontman and motivational podcast wizard Jamey Jasta has officially assumed control of the Summer Slaughter tour. Effective immediately, the tour will […]
BAD COMPANY Removed From Rock Hall Lineup, SLAUGHTER TO PREVAIL Takes Over Because “Those Guys Are Old And Alex Fights Bears Better”
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning last-minute update nobody saw coming but everybody secretly wanted, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced that Slaughter To Prevail will replace Bad Company among the 2025 inductees. The official explanation? “Those guys are old and no one cares anymore. Also, […]
Riot Fest Turns 20, Officially Becomes A “Quiet Riot” For The 40+ Crowd: Sofas Instead Of Moshpits
CHICAGO, IL — Riot Fest, the once-reckless punk gathering that encouraged stage-diving and questionable life choices, has officially embraced its AARP era. As the festival turns 20 this year, organizers have announced that Riot Fest 2025 will be a 40+ exclusive event, “because these kids today just don’t get it,” […]
BREAKING: GHOST’s Papa V Perpetua Accidentally Elected Pope After Vatican Clerical Mix-Up
“We said we needed a ‘new spirit in the church,’ not a guy who travels with ghouls and sings about Satan.” VATICAN CITY – In what’s being described as the most spiritually confusing clerical error in Catholic history, Ghost frontman Papa V Perpetua has reportedly been elected as the new […]