After Even In Arcadia exploded onto the Billboard 200 at No. 1 and broke records as the most-streamed hard rock album in history, President Donald J. Trump has announced a bold new initiative: an import tariff on Sleep Token’s entire U.S. tour. “We have to protect American rock,” Trump stated […]
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Wolves Spare Man In Forest After He Blasts METALLICA’s 72 Seasons: “We Can Tolerate Screaming, But Not That”
DULUTH, MINNESOTA — In a rare show of mercy from nature, a man filming promo shots for his upcoming black metal project Ravensküll Frostgeist narrowly escaped a pack of wolves in the northern Minnesota woods late Tuesday night — not with fire, not with steel, but by blasting Metallica’s 2023 […]
Matt Tuck Abandons TRIVIUM and BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE Tour After Realizing All the Girls Want Matt Heafy’s Autograph Instead
“The Poisoned Ascendancy” Tour Becomes “The Tuckered Out Farewell” Tour What was once a promising nostalgic celebration of eyeliner, breakdowns, and late-2000s metalcore glory has ended in tears, TikToks, and a very bruised ego. Bullet for My Valentine have dramatically exited the remainder of their co-headlining tour with Trivium, allegedly […]
DISTURBED Announce Next Album: Ten Thousand Love Songs After On-Stage Proposal Melts Faces (With Emotion, Not Riffs)
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a move that has officially confused the hell out of every nu-metal fan who came for breakdowns and emotional rage, DISTURBED frontman David Draiman pulled a fast one during the band’s May 9 concert in Sacramento—not by playing a deep cut, but by proposing to his […]
Welcome To Rockville 2025 Announces A Preparty Deathmatch Experience
Daytona Beach, FL – Florida’s loudest heatstroke-inducing mega-fest, Welcome To Rockville 2025, has dropped its full set times along with bold new plans to ensure fans are physically and emotionally broken before the main event even begins. To properly prepare attendees for what organizers call “Florida in May, but with […]
Vatican Confused After WEEDEATER Confesses to Causing Papal Conclave Smoke
Rome, Vatican City — In a stunning twist that has left Catholic officials bewildered and several bishops coughing, North Carolina sludge metal trio WEEDEATER has come forward claiming responsibility for the mysterious white smoke seen rising from the Sistine Chapel earlier today—smoke which traditionally signals the election of a new […]
LIFE OF AGONY Announces “30 Years of Ugly” Tour, Promises Keith Caputo Will Change Genders Every Other Night for Maximum Emotional Whiplash
Grunge-core icons and emotional trauma connoisseurs LIFE OF AGONY have announced their “30 Years of Ugly” tour, a full-album celebration of 1995’s cult classic Ugly—the record that boldly asked, “What if our depression could be even more melodic?” But that’s not all! In an unprecedented move designed to keep things […]
METALLICA’s James Hetfield Meets Racehorse Named After Their Hit (Sorry, Lulu)
In a beautiful collision of heavy metal and horse sweat, METALLICA frontman James Hetfield met his new four-legged tribute act on Friday: Sandman—a majestic three-year-old Kentucky Derby contender named after the band’s one indisputably enduring song, “Enter Sandman.” Yes, the gray colt, who probably headbangs in his sleep, was graced […]
HATEBREED’s Jamey Jasta Takes Control Of Summer Slaughter, Immediately Books Himself 6 Times
2025 to be rebranded as “The Summer Jasta Tour: Most Jasta-Filled Tour of the Year” In a bold move no one saw coming — except literally everyone — Hatebreed frontman and motivational podcast wizard Jamey Jasta has officially assumed control of the Summer Slaughter tour. Effective immediately, the tour will […]
BAD COMPANY Removed From Rock Hall Lineup, SLAUGHTER TO PREVAIL Takes Over Because “Those Guys Are Old And Alex Fights Bears Better”
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning last-minute update nobody saw coming but everybody secretly wanted, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced that Slaughter To Prevail will replace Bad Company among the 2025 inductees. The official explanation? “Those guys are old and no one cares anymore. Also, […]