DULUTH, MINNESOTA — In a rare show of mercy from nature, a man filming promo shots for his upcoming black metal project Ravensküll Frostgeist narrowly escaped a pack of wolves in the northern Minnesota woods late Tuesday night — not with fire, not with steel, but by blasting Metallica’s 2023 album 72 Seasons from his phone.
“I was just trying to get the perfect shot of my inverted snow angel under moonlight,” said 27-year-old Caleb “Necrohowler” Jensen, who had been deep in the woods in corpse paint, brandishing a tree branch like a staff. “Suddenly I saw glowing eyes in the distance. I knew they were coming.”
As the wolves began circling, Jensen did what any true black metaller would never admit to doing — he pulled out his iPhone 12 Pro Max and hit play on the most fearsome thing he had on it: Metallica’s 72 Seasons.
“And that was it,” he said. “They just backed off. One even yelped. I think they thought I was punishing them. They ran like I had turned into Lars Ulrich mid-snare fill.”
According to forest ranger Terry Holmgren, this is the first recorded incident of wildlife fleeing not from fire or humans, but from music that’s just kind of… there. “Wolves usually fear gunshots or loud yelling. This time, they heard the words ‘This pen is my weapon / This lifeblood, my confession’ and they noped out like someone had just put pineapple on a squirrel.”
Wolves were later seen howling in the distance, which some say sounded suspiciously like “Load was better!”
Metallica has not commented, although sources say Lars is considering filing a defamation suit against all wolves in Minnesota for “lack of appreciation.”
Meanwhile, Jensen is safe, slightly frostbitten, and working on a new logo — one that vaguely resembles the wolf silhouette from the Teen Wolf movie, but with more upside-down crosses. His upcoming debut EP, Shrieks of a Seasonless Sky, will feature a tribute song titled Lupine Rejection (Exit Light, Enter Bark).
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