CHICAGO, IL — Riot Fest, the once-reckless punk gathering that encouraged stage-diving and questionable life choices, has officially embraced its AARP era. As the festival turns 20 this year, organizers have announced that Riot Fest 2025 will be a 40+ exclusive event, “because these kids today just don’t get it,” […]
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BREAKING: GHOST’s Papa V Perpetua Accidentally Elected Pope After Vatican Clerical Mix-Up
“We said we needed a ‘new spirit in the church,’ not a guy who travels with ghouls and sings about Satan.” VATICAN CITY – In what’s being described as the most spiritually confusing clerical error in Catholic history, Ghost frontman Papa V Perpetua has reportedly been elected as the new […]
BREAKING: Welcome To Rockville 2025 Kicks LINKIN PARK Off Headliner Slot, Replaces Them With GUTALAX: “People Want Real Shit”
Daytona Beach, FL – In a bold, shocking, and slightly brown move, the organizers of Welcome To Rockville 2025 have announced that Linkin Park will no longer headline the festival. The slot has instead been handed to none other than Czech grindcore poop-lords GUTALAX. The decision reportedly came after “disappointing […]
GHOST’s Tobias Forge Admits BLACK SABBATH Ended His Career As A Church Easter Bunny
In a shocking confession that has shaken both the metal world and Sunday School programs across Sweden, GHOST frontman Tobias Forge revealed in an emotional overshare on The April 1st Satan’s Tears Podcast that before discovering Black Sabbath, he was “just a humble Easter Bunny working part-time at a Lutheran […]
DARK ANGEL Blame “Studio Weed Fog” For Comeback Song Sound: “Gene Was So Stoned, We Replaced Him With a Computer”
In a shocking twist absolutely nobody saw coming (except maybe that one guy still wearing his Darkness Descends shirt from ’86), thrash veterans DARK ANGEL have revealed the secret behind the uniquely underwhelming sound of their new comeback track, Extinction Level Event: studio weed fog. “We didn’t mean for it […]
DERRICK GREEN Launches Country-Folk Tribute Band “OLD GUYS ON THE BLOCK” feat. Barney Greenway and Robb Flynn
“We just wanna harmonize and wear denim vests,” says Robb Flynn Following SEPULTURA’s final bow, vocalist Derrick Green has stunned the metal world by announcing his latest sonic reinvention: a New Kids on the Block country-folk tribute band called OLD GUYS ON THE BLOCK. The lineup features: Derrick Green crooning […]
European Festivals Caught Smuggling Metal Bands Into U.S. Disguised As American Cover Acts
In the wake of the U.S. government’s new “Make Metal American Again” tariffs, desperate European promoters have begun smuggling bands into the States under the guise of tribute acts — triggering what Customs officials are calling “Operation Corpsepaint.” This week, U.S. Border Patrol agents detained a van at the Vermont […]
Trump Administration Slaps Tariffs On Imported Metal Bands: “We Have Kid Rock At Home”
In a bold move to protect American metal, the Trump administration has announced a sweeping new policy: tariffs on all foreign heavy metal bands entering the U.S. Effective immediately, bands from Europe, Asia, and especially Canada will be taxed for each riff, blast beat, and corpsepainted member they bring across […]
Carla Harvey Unveils New Project, Dedicates “Sick Ones” To Every Part Of Her Body That Hurts From Plastic Surgery
In a bold new chapter nobody saw coming (because their eyes were also stretched too tight), Butcher Babies co-founder, certified death professional, and full-time badass Carla Harvey has emerged from the mortuary, the comic book scene, and possibly a cryogenic chamber to debut her new band, The Violent Hour. Their […]
BREAKING: Danny Wimmer Presents Buys Louisville, Declares All Beer $19 Forever
In a bold move that surprised absolutely no one, Danny Wimmer Presents (DWP) has finalized a 10-year plan to unofficially purchase the city of Louisville, Kentucky, under the clever disguise of a “festival deal.” Yes, you heard right — the folks behind Louder Than Life and Bourbon & Beyond will […]