In a bold move to protect American metal, the Trump administration has announced a sweeping new policy: tariffs on all foreign heavy metal bands entering the U.S. Effective immediately, bands from Europe, Asia, and especially Canada will be taxed for each riff, blast beat, and corpsepainted member they bring across […]
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Dave Mustaine Renames Megadeth to “MAGAdeth” in Hopes of Scoring Trump’s Private Party Gig
Nashville, TN – In a move that has left both metalheads and political pundits scratching their heads, Dave Mustaine has officially renamed Megadeth to MAGAdeth, allegedly in an attempt to secure a spot at Donald Trump’s next private event. “I just figured, why not? The fans already think I’m halfway […]
BREAKING: Snoop Dogg Cancels All Ohio Shows Over Fear That “Immigrants Eat Dogs”—Won’t Risk It
Los Angeles, CA – In a turn of events that’s somehow both bizarre and on-brand, legendary rapper Snoop Dogg has announced that he is canceling all his upcoming Ohio concerts, citing a fear that “immigrants there might eat dogs.” Yes, you read that correctly. In an official statement released today, […]
BREAKING: SWALLOW THE DOG Clears the Air—They Haven’t Moved to Springfield to Eat Your Pets!
Maryland, USA – In what can only be described as the most shocking revelation since that time people thought pigeons were government drones, an underground death/thrash (and definitely disbanded) band SWALLOW THE DOG has resurfaced from the depths of irrelevance to issue a public statement. And no, it’s not a […]