Maryland, USA – In what can only be described as the most shocking revelation since that time people thought pigeons were government drones, an underground death/thrash (and definitely disbanded) band SWALLOW THE DOG has resurfaced from the depths of irrelevance to issue a public statement. And no, it’s not a reunion tour announcement.
In an official-sounding yet clearly sarcastic press release, the band emphatically declared that they have NOT relocated to Springfield to feast on the local pets. “Just to clarify,” they began, “our hiatus is NOT a secret cover for us moving to a fictional town to devour family pets. That’s more of a ‘BLINK-182 move,’ anyway.”
Ah, BLINK-182—yes, the group responsible for the Dogs Eating Dogs album. According to SWALLOW THE DOG, anyone curious about canine cuisine should “dig into why BLINK-182 decided to release an album with such a…let’s say appetizing title, rather than harassing a band that broke up in 2014.”
While the world continues to spin, blissfully ignoring that rock bands once walked the Earth, many have expressed relief to know that their beloved pets are safe from the alleged hunger of SWALLOW THE DOG. BLINK-182, on the other hand, remains suspiciously silent on their dog-eating habits.
Pet owners, you can exhale now. But maybe keep an eye on BLINK-182’s next tour, just in case.
