Naming your metal band is serious business. It’s your brand, your identity, your legacy—and, if you’re really lucky, the reason your future employer never calls you back. While some bands hit the jackpot with iconic names like Iron Maiden, Slayer, or Goatwhore (yes, that last one is real and thriving), others stumble into the abyss of truly awful branding.
If you’re forming a band and want to ensure no one can find you, book you, or even say your name out loud in public—congrats, here’s your guide.
1. Google
Sure, you’re metal. You’re also impossible to find. “Hey bro, check out our band Google.” Great idea. Now try searching for your own discography without going through ten pages of corporate overlords.
Alternative: Gøøglëth†rone — still bad, but now unsearchable and unreadable. Perfect.
2. Nipple Holocaust
Yes, it’s edgy. Yes, it will get you instantly banned from every streaming platform, festival, and your aunt’s Facebook feed. But go ahead. Just don’t act surprised when your Bandcamp gets flagged by three different U.N. subcommittees.
3. Free MP3 Download
Congratulations! You now rank #1 on Google—for people looking for viruses.
Your fans won’t find you, but Nigerian scam bots might start offering you label deals.
4. Väginäl Crüst
Look, we get it—you want to be crusty, filthy, offensive, and punk AF. But when your band name sounds like an infection, expect people to treat it like one.
Also, Spotify’s algorithm says “No.”
5. BandNameHere
You wanted irony. You got confusion. Every gig flyer looks like a draft, and your social media is flooded with people asking, “Wait, is this the real band name?”
It’s not clever. It’s chaos. But maybe that’s your aesthetic?
6. 666Lorde420
Ah yes, the ultimate Gen Z edgelord combo platter. Demonic, stoned, and royalty-adjacent. Too bad TikTok thinks you’re a parody account and YouTube’s algorithm files you under “conspiracy weirdos who vape in graveyards.”
7. [Untitled]
Avant-garde? Maybe. A search engine’s worst nightmare? Absolutely.
Also, every fan will call you “that one band with no name” forever.
Bonus: your album names can be equally pretentious. “Track One (Silence of Capitalism).”
8. Cümwraith
A blackened death project from the depths of your mom’s basement. But you forgot one thing:
Nobody can type your name into Apple Music without triggering their parental controls.
Also: eww.
9. Satan’s Left Nut
Yes, it’s memorable. No, it’s not appropriate for a family-friendly venue or radio play.
Also, the merch options are… limited unless you’re printing boxers with one giant horned testicle on them.
Wait, never mind. That might sell.
10. YOLOMANCER
Because nothing screams “timeless, evil metal” like a 2012 meme welded to a D&D class.
You’ll regret this in 6 months. Your tattoo artist will regret it sooner.
In Conclusion:
Your band name is the first impression—and possibly the last if it sounds like a banned search term or a medical condition. So choose wisely. Or don’t. The metal world is chaos. Just don’t come crying when your EP gets filtered as spam, your Facebook page is suspended, and your mom asks you why the band’s name contains the word “moist.”
Still unsure? Just name your band Blood Tomb like everyone else and move on.
