1. You Are the Standard.
No one is more metal than you. Not Iommi, not Corpsegrinder, not even Satan. Period.
2. Go Alone or Not at All.
Concerts are sacred. Never bring friends. They won’t get it.
3. Worship the Unknown.
Your favorite band should have 6 fans, zero merch, and be from rural Estonia.
4. Popular = Poseur.
If more than 14 people know a band exists, they’ve already sold out.
5. The Opener is King.
Leave after the opening act. They peaked. Everyone else is garbage.
6. Never Laugh.
Metal is serious. No humor. No joy. Especially not Spinal Tap. Blasphemy.
7. Review Like a God.
Every album review you write must be longer than War and Peace and include 5 obscure references no one understands.
8. Metallica Ruined Everything.
Repeat daily. Bonus points for doing it while secretly listening to Ride the Lightning.
9. Forum Warrior Duty.
You must insult at least three strangers per week online. Begin each insult with “poseur.”
10. Your Taste is Sacred.
If someone likes a band you don’t, their opinion is invalid and they are mentally compromised by the mainstream.
11. New Albums Are Betrayals.
Any band’s latest album is either recycled trash or shameless pop-metal. No exceptions.
12. You Were There First.
If a band you like gets popular, they are now dead to you. Congrats on helping them sell out.
13. Live in the Past.
Every band peaked by their third album. Fourth album? Pure filth.
14. Hype the Obscure.
Push an unknown band until they get noticed. Then deny ever liking them.
15. Convert No One.
Sharing good music is for the weak. Let the untr00 rot in ignorance.
16. You Are King Online.
Your username must include words like Lord, Infernal, Ultra, or Blackened. Bonus points if it’s in Latin.
17. Tape Trading or Bust.
Unless someone traded demo tapes before 1992, they don’t matter. Not even a little.
18. Your Collection is Sacred.
Never share music with anyone who buys CDs at Target or wears a Metallica shirt from Hot Topic.
19. Validate Nothing.
When someone explains their musical taste politely and intelligently, just grunt “poseur” and disappear into a cloud of incense.
20. All Hail Rule #1.
You are the apex predator of the metal food chain. Make sure everyone knows it. Twice.
