July 14, 2025 | Metal News, Conspiracies & Confusion
BOSTON, MA — In an unexpected twist of political misdirection and brutal breakdowns, Martin Epstein — bassist of Boston’s progressive melodic death metal band AVERSED — found himself at the epicenter of MAGA-world rage over the elusive Epstein files, despite never having worked for the government, trafficked anyone, or even voted in Florida.
“I woke up this morning to 217 DMs asking if I was gonna ‘drop the list’ and ‘redeem the Republic,’” said a visibly exhausted Epstein, sipping a Monster and surrounded by seven-string guitars, none of which were tuned to federal conspiracy. “I don’t even know who Pam Bondi is. Is she a booking agent or something?”
The confusion appears to stem from the bassist’s last name, “Epstein,” which, according to the Internet’s Collective Brain™, means he must either be Jeffrey Epstein (despite the whole death thing) or be in possession of the famous client list that is tearing Trump Nation apart this week.
“I posted a teaser clip of our new song ‘Echoes of Truth,’ and someone replied ‘DROP THE FILES YOU SICK FREAK,’” Martin laughed nervously. “Another guy sent me a link to a QAnon Telegram group and asked if the lyrics to our album Erasure of Color were actually coded messages for the Deep State. I mean, they’re about seasonal depression and anime, so maybe?”
AVERSED, whose most recent album explores themes of identity, mental health, and existential dread (ironically now shared with Trump’s campaign staff), issued a statement online clarifying:
“Martin Epstein is not that Epstein. He’s just a bass player with student loans and mild lactose intolerance.”
Still, MAGA influencers were not convinced.
Right-wing podcast host BaneLiberty37 responded:
“I don’t care if he’s in a band or a basement — the name is Epstein, and the new album’s called Erasure of Color?? What is that, code for CIA black ops? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters at the Student Action Summit continued demanding accountability, with some even shouting “Free the bass files!” during a Bongino panel. One attendee attempted to throw an AVERSED CD on stage but was removed when security realized it was just a burned copy of Nickelback’s Silver Side Up.
When asked if he had any final words for the angry mob, Martin Epstein sighed:
“Look, the only list I’ve got is a pedalboard settings sheet and a Costco shopping list. I’ll release them both if it gets everyone to chill out.”
In completely unrelated news, AVERSED’s streams went up 1,400% this weekend. So who’s the real puppet master now?
