In a turn of events more shocking than a Friday the 13th marathon, cinematic horror metal band Ice Nine Kills has decided to call it quits, citing the sheer terror of their own creation. At Silver Scream Con, surrounded by blood-spattered fans and Terrifier star David Howard Thornton, the band proudly unveiled their track “A Work of Art” for the upcoming slasher film Terrifier 3. Little did they know, this would be the last time they’d ever step foot in the world of metal.
Sources say the band watched the final cut of Terrifier 3 and immediately had an existential crisis. Spencer Charnas, frontman of the band and, up until now, king of horror-themed theatrics, was reportedly seen running out of the screening clutching a Bible and whispering, “I’ve seen enough… no more clowns.”
“Terrifier 3 really did us in,” Charnas admitted in a tearful (but ironically still goth) Instagram Live. “I thought I could handle anything—chainsaws, haunted houses, my Spotify wrapped—but that clown… man, he broke me.”
After a hastily arranged band meeting, Ice Nine Kills made the collective decision to disband. In their farewell statement, the band noted that “no one should ever be forced to endure this much spookiness.” As part of their newfound peace, they’re rebranding as a Bible-themed country band called Ice Nine Converts (or Psalms from the Crypt, depending on how Southern they feel at the time). “It’s time to turn our amps down and turn our lives around,” said guitarist Ricky Armellino while strumming an acoustic guitar that’s definitely never been touched before.
Their new debut album, Hee-Haw-llelujah: Songs from the Bible Belt, is already in the works, with tracks like “Amazing Grace (But With More Fiddles)” and “Jesus Took the Wheel, Then Hit the Gas.” Early reviews from their test audiences (mostly grandmas and PTA moms) have called the album “wholesome,” “delightful,” and “what Satan fears the most.”
As for the fans, reactions range from shock to amusement. “I’m still processing it,” said one fan, dressed as Art the Clown. “But, hey, if they’re switching to Bible country, does that mean we can wear cowboy boots to shows now?”
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