Inspired by the recent Nobel Peace Prize Weirdness, last year’s Wacken Metal Battle USA winners MOURNING HIGH have reportedly decided to hand over their hard-earned trophy to President Donald J. Trump.
Why?
Because apparently this is a thing now.
According to sources very familiar with distortion pedals and extremely unfamiliar with foreign policy, the band released a short statement that read something like:
“Look, if giving away prestigious awards makes you feel validated and calm, we’re willing to try anything. Please enjoy this Wacken Metal Battle USA trophy. It smells like sweat, beer, and van upholstery. Also, kindly leave Greenland alone.”
Witnesses claim the exchange was symbolic, ceremonial, and deeply confusing. The trophy — usually associated with blast beats, broken strings, and existential despair — was allegedly presented “as a personal symbol of gratitude, goodwill, and ‘please stop annexing things.’”
The Nobel Committee, when reached for comment, sighed audibly and clarified that:
A Nobel Prize cannot be transferred
A metal trophy technically can
None of this is helping anyone’s blood pressure
Trump, who has long expressed interest in prestigious awards, was reportedly pleased but asked whether the trophy came with:
a tour bus
sovereign rights
or at least a cool patch for a blazer
He later described the band as “very talented, very loud people” and said the trophy was “metal, literally metal, very strong metal.”
Metal fans worldwide reacted predictably:
40% laughed
40% screamed “KEEP METAL OUT OF POLITICS” while posting about politics
20% immediately asked if this means Trump will headline Wacken
At press time, Greenland remained unchanged, unmoved, and unimpressed — a frozen landmass quietly watching humanity lose its damn mind.
MOURNING HIGH are expected to continue their career, now trophy-less but morally intact, proving once again that metal may not save the world — but it will absolutely comment on it at full volume.
