In an era when every artist lives on social media, Devin Townsend has revealed why he doesn’t actually exist on the internet: he simply can’t pass the “verify you are a human” test.
While fans have long suspected that Devin’s Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok accounts were run by aliens, trolls, or a sleep-deprived AI, Townsend finally broke his silence in a recent interview.
“Every time I try to log in, it asks me to click all the pictures with a bicycle,” Townsend explained. “I get nervous, second-guess myself, and next thing I know I’ve identified a lamppost as a unicycle. Boom—access denied. After 40 tries, you start to wonder if maybe you are a robot.”
Cybersecurity experts have confirmed the rumors: not a single Devin Townsend profile online is real. The ones that post memes about prog-metal and coffee are, in fact, fans or bots doing a better job at being Devin than Devin ever could.
Meanwhile, Townsend’s management has suggested alternatives. “We tried the ‘click all crosswalks’ test, we tried the audio CAPTCHA where a demon whispers numbers in your ear, and even the one where you drag the puzzle piece into the slot. Devin failed them all. The man can write a 70-minute prog-opera about alien coffee beans but apparently can’t recognize a stoplight.”
Fans are now demanding an old-school solution: sending Townsend back to the late ’90s, when artists communicated only through grainy press photos, cryptic faxes, and rumors spread at record stores.
As for Devin? He seems fine with it. “If being offline means fewer people asking me to play Ocean Machine in full every night, then maybe I’m okay living as a ghost in the machine.”
