“We’ve been sending resumes since 2016.”
PORTLAND, OR – After nearly a decade of breakdowns, torn silhouettes, and emotional chaos, American metalcore band Dying Wish has officially announced their disbandment — not because of artistic differences, but because every member finally found a job with dental insurance.
“We’ve been sending out résumés for years. Turns out all we needed was to stop touring long enough to attend one (1) Zoom interview,” said guitarist Sam Reynolds, now a regional logistics associate for a very ethical multinational delivery corporation. “It’s not quite playing in front of 200 sweaty people in Salt Lake City, but it’s got a fridge with LaCroix.”
Frontwoman Emma Boster, who recently landed a full-time gig as a copy editor for a true crime podcast network, broke the news via a painfully honest press release:
“We’ve screamed our lungs out, we’ve cried into microphones, we’ve literally been torn from silhouettes. But we cannot compete with paid time off and a dental plan. Sorry. The band is dead, but our LinkedIns are THRIVING.”
Drummer Jeff Yambra was allegedly the first to “go corporate,” having accepted an IT helpdesk role back in March. “I still hit stuff, just now it’s malfunctioning routers and people’s misplaced anger,” he said. “Honestly, less drama than being in a band.”
Bassist Jon Mackey, who joined in 2022, reportedly never fully unpacked his suitcase. “They promised Europe. I got Albuquerque. I figured it was time to try marketing.”
Their most recent tour with Spiritbox, “The Tsunami Sea Tour,” proved to be the breaking point. “We were playing songs like Watch My Promise Die while literally watching our Spotify payout be 28 cents,” added guitarist Pedro Carrillo. “It was poetic in a way. Bleak, soul-crushing poetry.”
Fans reacted with predictable heartbreak and memes:
“Dying Wish? More like Applying Wish 😭.”
“Can’t wait for the reunion tour when they all get laid off.”
“If this is what survival looks like, I’ll take the Symptoms.”
The band says they’ll keep their Instagram active “just in case we ever miss screaming again or want to sell some leftover shirts to pay for gas.”
Their final release, an acoustic EP titled From Nothing, now reads like a farewell letter from five people who stared into the abyss… and then filed a W-4.
