The art world just spent $12.1 million on Maurizio Cattelan’s gaudy, 223-pound golden toilet — and naturally, Europe’s foremost porta-potty prophets GUTALAX have responded the only way they know how:
By launching their own line of pre-used, fully “tested,” lovingly soiled Toi-Toi deluxe units, complete with authentic band-member autographs (written in substances Sotheby’s has yet to classify).
According to the band, the timing was “perfect,” since if someone’s willing to spend the GDP of a small nation on a shiny bathroom fixture, surely a lovingly destroyed plastic festival toilet is worth… well, something. Anything. Please.
“Look, we’ve seen the numbers,” a GUTALAX rep allegedly said while wearing full hazmat gear. “If people are dropping millions on a golden loo nobody even wants to bid on, why shouldn’t we cash in? Our toilets have history, heritage, aroma. Cattelan’s didn’t even have a splash zone.”
Unlike Cattelan’s “America,” which sat at the Guggenheim and politely endured 100,000 art lovers, each GUTALAX Signature Toi-Toi™ is guaranteed to be battle-scarred from real shows, field-tested at European festivals, and still faintly humming with whatever microbiological nightmares linger from Brutal Assault 2014.
Collectors will be able to choose from models including:
“The Brown Oracle” – comes with a mysterious stain that band members refuse to explain.
“Gastrointestinal Fury Deluxe” – includes complimentary rubber gloves and trauma counseling.
“The Guantánamo Flush Experience” – banned in three countries already.
Every unit arrives with a certificate of authenticity, signed in substances only partially confirmed as ink.
And yes, autographs may require refrigeration.
When asked whether this was all a cash grab, the band did not deny it:
“Bro, $12 million for a toilet? Of COURSE we want in. Even our merch guy started auctioning off used wet wipes.”
Early interest has reportedly come from:
Two tech millionaires who think it’s “performance art,”
A collector who misunderstood what “gut-slamming” means, and
Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, who apparently have a thing for toilet-based regret purchases.
Meanwhile, Sotheby’s insisted that anyone who missed out on the golden toilet “needn’t fret,” because their other bathrooms work just fine — an encouraging statement for an auction house where people regularly spend six figures on a painting of a sad horse.
GUTALAX, however, see a gap in the market:
“Normal bathrooms working fine? Disgusting. Sterile. No soul. No terror. People deserve the full experience.”
The Toi-Toi Signature Series becomes available for pre-order “as soon as we finish disinfecting them… or deciding not to.”
