It took 27 days of clean living, gallons of seltzer water, and more AA chips than he actually earned, but one brave metalhead’s streak of sobriety came crashing down this week thanks to the emotional devastation of Lorna Shore’s latest single “Glenwood.”
According to friends, the unnamed fan made it almost a full month without touching booze. Then he saw a video from I Feel The Everblack Festering Within Me and immediately reached for the nearest bottle like it was a lifeline.
“He watched it once and said, ‘Oh man, that’s… deep,’” his roommate reported. “By the third playthrough, he had tears in his eyes and was chasing whiskey shots with warm Monster energy. He hasn’t been sober since. We’re on day seven now.”
And honestly, can you blame him? Vocalist Will Ramos pours his entire fractured relationship with his father into “Glenwood,” while also referencing his childhood home, his street, and enough nostalgia to emotionally bankrupt a Hallmark movie marathon. It’s basically weaponized trauma-core.
The poor guy reportedly described the video as ‘so beautiful it hurts’ before pouring rum into his cereal and declaring that sobriety was a “corporate construct.” He’s now working on a theory that Lorna Shore’s breakdowns pair best with red wine, and that Ramos should legally reimburse fans for therapy bills.
Still, his story may serve as a warning for others: if you plan on staying sober this October, maybe skip “Glenwood” — unless you’re ready to weep into a six-pack while screaming “I’M THE BRANCH!” at your father’s voicemail.
