Brighton, UK – July 30, 2025 While Marilyn Manson’s “One Assassination Under God” UK tour continues to cause cancellations and moral panic, one devoted British fan is now facing the ultimate consequence: total food exile. Meet Trevor Slagg, 37, of Milton Keynes — now dubbed by tabloids as “The Starving […]
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Sanguisugabogg Targeted by Sexy AI Bots Who “Just Wanna Mosh and Love”
Instagram sex scams take a heartfelt detour into brutal death metal COLUMBUS, OH – The official Sanguisugabogg Instagram page has reportedly been bombarded this week—not by trolls or boomers confused by blast beats, but by thousands of unusually enthusiastic AI sex bots confessing their genuine love for the band’s music […]
DREAM THEATER Members Form Bold New Band That Just So Happens to Sound Exactly Like DREAM THEATER
PORT JEFFERSON, NY — In a stunning display of artistic reinvention, the members of progressive metal titans DREAM THEATER have announced the formation of an exciting new side project: Lucid Slumber, a band that, coincidentally, sounds indistinguishable from DREAM THEATER in every possible way — down to the 14-minute keyboard […]
PARAMORE’s Hayley Williams Drops Surprise Album ‘Ego’ — But First, Buy This Shampoo or Face Eternal Spam Damnation
Move over Beyoncé’s surprise drops and Taylor Swift’s deluxe everything—Hayley Williams just redefined gatekeeping art with conditioner. The Paramore frontwoman has stealth-dropped her new 17-track solo album Ego, and no, you can’t stream it, pirate it, or even whisper its name unless you first buy something from her hair dye […]
“We Just Like Spikes and Screaming”: Russian Black Metal Bands Scramble to Prove They’re Not Part of the Totally-Real Satanist Cabal Just Banned by the Kremlin
In the wake of Russia’s Supreme Court officially banning the International Movement of Satanists — a shadowy, threatening group that absolutely no one can prove exists — panic has erupted in the nation’s thriving black metal underground. “We’ve never heard of this group,” insists Vladislav “CorpseRider” Sokolov, frontman of GoatWarlock666, […]
Petition Demands Renaming Birmingham Airport After Ozzy Osbourne, Fans Suggest Even More Unhinged Tributes
In a move that would make TSA re-think their entire policy on live animals, over 7,500 fans have signed a Change.org petition demanding Birmingham International Airport be renamed to Ozzy Osbourne International Airport. Because nothing says “safe travels” like the Prince of Darkness ushering your flight in from Gate 666. […]
SEX PISTOLS Extend 2025 US Tour — More Dates, More Sweat, More Gatekeeping!
It’s official: the band your dad warned you about (before joining their tribute band in his garage) is back for even more North American chaos this fall. The Sex Pistols, now fronted by Frank Carter and still somehow functioning without a cease-and-desist from punk itself, have extended their 2025 tour […]
Brutal Death Metal Frontman Buys COLDPLAY Tour Tickets Just To Get “Cheating Famous”
“I HATE THIS BAND BUT I NEED THAT SCANDAL CLOUT,” SAYS SLAMMER FROM TENNESSEE NASHVILLE, TN — In a plot twist no one saw coming (except maybe his parole officer), Cletus “Chokehold” Hankins, the frontman of Tennessee’s finest brutal death slam band Gurgling Possum Sacrifice, has just purchased front-row tickets […]
Ron DeSantis Declares January 1st “Cannibal Corpse Day” in Florida: New Year, New Guts
In a bold (and frankly terrifying) move that has political analysts, death metal fans, and your grandma equally confused, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has officially declared January 1st as “Cannibal Corpse Day” across the Sunshine State. Yes, that Cannibal Corpse. Yes, they’re from Buffalo. No, he doesn’t care. “Florida adopted […]
AMON AMARTH Unleash “We Rule The Waves” — And a Stinky Tour Surprise for America
Viking onion soup merch launch may trigger TSA nightmares and ancient medical flashbacks As if thunderous riffs, flaming longships, and battle-cry choruses weren’t enough, Sweden’s most sea-hardened sons AMON AMARTH have just revealed that their new single “We Rule The Waves” drops July 16 — and it’s not the only […]