June 23, 2025 — In today’s most metal case of censorship-by-karens, Nuclear Blast Records’ YouTube channel has mysteriously disappeared—and now we may finally have an explanation. While the label’s official statement blames an “external incident,” anonymous sources claim the real culprit is none other than the American Housewives Association, a loose but loud collective of suburban Facebook moms who just discovered that “Nuclear Blast” is not a cooking show.
The group, reportedly offended by both the name and vibe of the legendary metal label, filed a complaint with YouTube after one of their members accidentally stumbled onto a Behemoth video while searching for air fryer lasagna recipes.
“It said Nuclear Blast. I thought it was something patriotic, like a fireworks tutorial or maybe a tribute to the troops,” commented Marlene Higginbottom of Clearwater, Florida. “Instead, I was assaulted by corpse paint, growling, and a man named Schmier. I thought it was a demonic spell!”
The Housewives Association argued that the channel promotes “loud sounds, scary fonts, and suspicious Scandinavian activity,” and demanded its removal until it could be “cleansed with sage and maybe some Christian rock.”
YouTube, in its infinite wisdom, reportedly panicked after the group promised a “bake sale boycott campaign” against Google’s cafeteria muffins. The result? The entire channel was nuked harder than a Slayer pit in 1986.
Meanwhile, Nuclear Blast issued the vaguest possible PR response:
“Following an external incident, our YouTube channel is currently offline. We are working directly with YouTube to resolve this as soon as possible.”
Translation: “We have no idea either, but it definitely wasn’t Schmier’s fault. Probably.”
Fans around the globe have since taken to forums to mourn the loss of their favorite source for obscure Finnish death metal videos, vintage Napalm Death interviews, and 37-minute album trailers.
Adding to the confusion, Nuclear Blast also recently rage-quit X (formerly Twitter), announcing, “We’re leaving X in 48 hours… But the riffs continue on Instagram, TikTok, Bluesky, Facebook, YouTube & Spotify.”
Well. Not YouTube anymore.
For now, the label is rumored to be launching a new streaming hub called NukeFlix, where all videos will come with a disclaimer:
“Warning: May contain growls, blast beats, and unapologetic Germans.”
Stay tuned—unless the Housewives shut that down too.
