Atlanta, GA — If you thought Brent Hinds was done talking trash about his ex-bandmates in Mastodon, buckle up: the man just plugged his amp into a blender full of resentment and hit record. Following his increasingly spicy social media jabs—most recently calling Mastodon “a shit band with horrible humans” […]
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Nuclear Blast’s YouTube Channel Removed After Complaints From American Housewives Association: “It Just Sounds Too Dangerous”
June 23, 2025 — In today’s most metal case of censorship-by-karens, Nuclear Blast Records’ YouTube channel has mysteriously disappeared—and now we may finally have an explanation. While the label’s official statement blames an “external incident,” anonymous sources claim the real culprit is none other than the American Housewives Association, a […]
Brody King’s “Abolish ICE” Shirt Causes Unexpected Casualty: Vanilla Ice Considers Name Change, ‘Ice Ice Baby’ Pulled from Platforms
In a move that has both the hardcore scene and wrestling fans nodding in approval (and suburban Facebook dads seething into their trucker hats), God’s Hate frontman and AEW bruiser Brody King has officially launched an “Abolish ICE” t-shirt—designed by Travis Thornton—with all proceeds going to the Local Hearts Foundation. […]
DYING WISH Officially Disbands After Members Finally Land Real Jobs
“We’ve been sending resumes since 2016.” PORTLAND, OR – After nearly a decade of breakdowns, torn silhouettes, and emotional chaos, American metalcore band Dying Wish has officially announced their disbandment — not because of artistic differences, but because every member finally found a job with dental insurance. “We’ve been sending […]
New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate Timeline Where Metallica Disbanded in 1991
By Thrash Turner, Alternate Realities Correspondent In a bold experiment blending science fiction and fanboy wish fulfillment, Amazon Prime has announced its latest prestige series: “Justice For All: The America That Could’ve Been.” The show takes place in an alternate timeline where Metallica disbanded immediately after releasing the Black Album […]
“Clone Me, You Bastards”: OZZY’s DNA Hits The Market, Bats Call It A Hate Crime
In what scientists are already calling “the worst idea since Jurassic Park but with more eyeliner,” Liquid Death has officially put Ozzy Osbourne’s DNA on sale for just $450 a vial. Because when you think hydration, you think bat-biting, mumbling Prince of Darkness, right? Introducing Infinite Ozzy™, the world’s first […]
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Singer Vows to “Fully Surrender to Anorexia” If a Trump Voter Attends His Show
FLORIDA — In what critics are calling the most bone-thin political statement of 2025, Ronnie Winter, lead vocalist of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and part-time scarecrow impersonator, has declared that if even one Trump voter sets foot at his concert, he will willingly “collapse into a beautiful, woke skeleton” and […]
Tom Morello Accidentally Writes Three Full Albums While Protesting ICE, Forgets to Go Home
LOS ANGELES — Legendary ‘90s guitarist and part-time resistance mascot Tom Morello took part in the ongoing ICE protests in LA this week — and in the most Morello way possible, he accidentally wrote and recorded three full political rock albums mid-march without even realizing it. Witnesses claim Morello, 61, […]
Rolling Stone Unleashes “Top 10 Worst Beards in Rock History” List, Absolutely No One Asked For It
In their tireless mission to remain relevant in an age when TikTok trends expire faster than their subscriptions, Rolling Stone has gifted the world yet another listicle no one needed: “The Top 10 Worst Beards in Rock and Metal History.” Curated by a panel of disoriented baristas, guys who got […]
Dave Mustaine Says He Wrote the Lyrics to “Orion”
In yet another twist in the never-ending saga of Dave Mustaine vs. Metallica — a feud now legally old enough to rent a car — the Megadeth frontman has dropped a bombshell in a new interview: he says he wrote the lyrics to Metallica’s “Orion.” Let that sink in. “Yeah, […]