In the wake of VITRIOL’s historic mid-tour self-detonation — three members fleeing into the Vermont wilderness and leaving Kyle Rasmussen alone with nothing but a windshield squeegee and his thoughts — a surprising support group has emerged:
The new members of AS I LAY DYING.
Turns out, when they heard about the “Vermont Extraction,” several AILD players privately admitted that they too have attempted to strategically misplace Tim Lambesis at various international checkpoints — including, according to one exhausted guitarist, “a gas station in Bulgaria sometime around 3 a.m.”
Unfortunately for them, it didn’t stick.
“We tried everything — truck stops, rest areas in Netherlands, even one of those creepy abandoned places in rural Slovakia,” sighed one member who asked not to be named. “But Tim always… I don’t know… tracks us? Like a Terminator with AirTags. It’s honestly impressive.”
Another reportedly said:
“Look, Vitriol’s guys got lucky. They ditched their dude once, ONE TIME, and he stayed ditched. We’ve tried it like seven times and he just keeps getting back in the van. Sometimes he’s already IN the van before we even leave. It’s terrifying.”
Meanwhile, Lambesis Is Living His Best Life, Completely Unaware He’s Being Ditched Like a Stray Cat
While his bandmates map out escape routes on Google Earth, frontman Tim Lambesis is too busy cheerfully announcing AILD’s new singles — the furious comeback “Echoes” and the soaring, jet-fueled “If I Fall” — both marking the debut of the band’s new supercharged lineup:
Tim Lambesis – Vocals
Chris Clancy – Bass, clean vocals / also chief “please don’t leave him here” negotiator
Bill Hudson – Guitar / attempted Bulgarian extraction, failed
Don Vedda – Guitar / emotionally defeated
Tim Yeung – Drums / can blast-beat at 290 BPM but cannot outrun Lambesis
Lambesis remains blissfully optimistic:
“This lineup has such incredible energy and we’re entering the BEST chapter of AILD,” he said, unaware that two members were quietly Googling Can you legally abandon someone at an Arby’s?
He even added:
“I’m incredibly grateful for my bandmates. They genuinely care about my well-being.”
All five men stared at the floor while he said this.
“He Found Us Again.” – AILD Reacts to Vitriol Drama
When news broke of Vitriol’s gas station coup, AILD allegedly paused rehearsal to watch Keith Merrow’s Instagram meltdown like it was the Super Bowl.
Someone reportedly whispered:
“God… they actually pulled it off.”
Five minutes later, Lambesis walked back into the room holding Starbucks for everyone.
“Sorry I was late! Couldn’t find the parking entrance!”
Collective internal screaming ensued.
