In a move that shocked precisely no one who’s ever tried to pronounce “Cattle Decapitation” in front of their oat milk latte, the extreme metal titans have announced the cancellation of their summer European tour, citing “circumstances beyond [their] control” — which insiders now confirm is code for “Europe has become way too vegan.”
According to an unofficial but very believable press release leaked by someone’s disappointed cousin in Belgium, the band revealed that “recent polling and hummus-based data analysis” indicated an alarming trend: European festival attendees thought the band name was either a hate crime or a new line of aggressive butcher-themed NFTs.
“We tried to explain that it’s metaphorical,” said frontman Travis Ryan in a statement no one in Berlin believed. “But as soon as we said the word ‘Cattle,’ half the room fainted and the other half tried to cancel us with an Instagram infographic featuring a crying cow in a flower crown.”
Sources close to the band say merch sales plummeted when vegan fans realized “Bring Back the Plague” wasn’t a call for raw vegan immunity but an actual death metal anthem. “People thought we were some sort of extreme carnivore podcast,” guitarist Josh Elmore reportedly muttered while packing up his gear and a half-eaten seitan wrap.
Some festival organizers allegedly asked the band to perform under a softer, more EU-palatable alias like “Plant-Based Displeasure” or “Tofu Mutilation,” but the group declined, citing artistic integrity and the fact that “Tofu Mutilation” sounds more like a failed synthpop duo from Denmark.
While the band did apologize to fans, they admitted this break might be necessary for their collective well-being. “We just need some time to emotionally recover from being yelled at by a Lithuanian activist in a hemp poncho who accused us of contributing to bovine PTSD.”
Rumors are already swirling about a potential U.S. tour instead, where the band believes “people are more likely to understand irony… or at least be too distracted by brisket to care.”
