In news that absolutely no one had on their 2025 bingo card, five former Cradle of Filth members have united like the world’s angriest Power Rangers to sue Dani Filth — not for royalties, not for contracts, not for sigils, merch, or defamation…
…but because Dani Filth allegedly wore platform shoes so massive onstage that the rest of the band ceased to visually exist.
According to the newly filed lawsuit (spanning 137 pages of shrieks, eyeliner smudges, and grievances), the ex-members claim that Dani’s “unlawfully excessive altitude” caused everything from emotional distress to career damage.
Witness testimony states that during recent tours, Dani’s boots reached “four to six goth inches past acceptable OSHA height regulations,” casting a shadow so large over the stage that guitarists vanished entirely from fan photos.
One plaintiff described the experience as:
“Like trying to share a stage with a Victorian skyscraper covered in fake blood.”
Another wrote:
“I practiced for months, and still the audience only saw the tip of my guitar peeking out from behind Dani’s left boot.”
A third added:
“At meet-and-greets, fans kept thanking me for being the mic stand.”
THE LAWSUIT SEEKS THE FOLLOWING:
A court order forcing Dani Filth to “descend to mortal height during performances.”
Destruction of all platform footwear exceeding 2 inches, including the infamous “Cathedral Stompers” worn during the Existence Is Futile tour.
Compensation for “years of being mistaken for shadows, props, or smoke-machine output.”
Emotional damages for “having one’s existence blocked by a single man’s goth footwear choices.”
A leaked text exchange includes this gem:
Dani: They’re shoes, not a lifestyle choice.
Ex-members: Tell that to the chiropractor we all now share.
ADDITIONAL COMPLAINTS INCLUDE:
The in-ear monitors allegedly “lost somewhere within the boots.”
A destroyed microphone “stepped on by the heel of doom.”
Platform-related misappropriation of likeness (“My face was in the boots’ reflection — do I get paid for that??”)
Unauthorized use of sigils carved into the heel for stability.
WHAT’S NEXT?
A jury trial has been requested, presumably to allow 12 normal civilians to witness Dani’s boots in person and decide if they constitute a health hazard, a gothic landmark, or a small residential building.
So far, Dani Filth hasn’t made a statement — possibly because he’s still descending the staircase from his shoes.
