In a shocking turn of unlikely artistic appreciation, Gene Simmons of KISS has taken time away from trademarking oxygen and bottling his own sweat to review Cannibal Corpse’s 1992 death metal classic Tomb of the Mutilated. While most would shy away from a tracklist that sounds like a crime scene police report, Simmons, ever the capitalist visionary, saw not horror—but profit potential.
“I Cum Blood? That’s a fragrance line waiting to happen,” Simmons mused during an exclusive interview, while reviewing the album from atop a throne shaped like a dollar sign. “Picture it: Eau de Corpse, by Gene Simmons. For the man who wants to smell like he just emerged from a sacrificial pit, but still wants to close the deal.”
The KISS frontman, who has reportedly tried to trademark everything from the devil horns to the concept of “selling out,” expressed admiration for Cannibal Corpse’s commitment to their aesthetic.
“They’ve really nailed the ‘rotting flesh’ brand. It’s consistent, it’s grotesque, and most importantly—it’s unlicensed. Why aren’t there Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Purse handbags at Hot Topic? That’s merch gold.”
Simmons is reportedly preparing a pitch to the band, proposing the Tomb of the Mutilated 30th Anniversary “Deluxe Business Edition,” featuring:
A Meathook Sodomy kitchen accessory line
Post Mortal Ejaculation Energy Drink (“You’ll still finish even after death!”)
A Hammer Smashed Face children’s Halloween mask (ages 5+)
And a pop-up Cannibal Corpse-themed Chuck E. Cheese franchise called Chuck E. Deceased
“I don’t care if they play three notes or thirty,” Simmons added, sipping on a glass of blood-red wine labeled KISS Cabernet Corpse. “As long as we can slap a logo on it and upsell it to teenagers with questionable judgment, I’m in.”
When reached for comment, Cannibal Corpse’s drummer simply muttered, “Bro, we just wanna blast beat.”
No word yet on whether Simmons plans to join the band as a guest growler under the stage name “Gene Slaymons,” but sources confirm he’s already bought the rights to the phrase “Death Metal But Make It Profitable.”
