GWAR — the intergalactic barbarian overlords of shock metal, famous for turning live shows into gore-soaked theatrical massacres — are reportedly planning a one-off, secret New Year ritual performance tomorrow night (December 31) at an undisclosed location somewhere between reality, hell, and a condemned strip mall.
For over four decades, GWAR have built their legacy not just on brutally loud riffs, but on their elaborate, violent, and absurd stage “rituals,” which routinely include the execution of politicians, celebrities, monsters, priests, aliens, dinosaurs, and the occasional embodiment of modern society. Fans are typically baptized in gallons of theatrical blood while band members in monstrous costumes dismember symbolic enemies of humanity with chainsaws, swords, and industrial farming equipment.
This year’s target, however, is seasonal.
According to sources who are absolutely not to be trusted, GWAR are preparing a New Year midnight ritual designed to permanently erase the Mariah Carey Christmas Entity from existence, preventing her from ever returning next December or any December ever again.
This is not a concert.
This is a timeline correction.
The Alleged Ritual
The ceremony is rumored to involve:
A summoning circle made from broken ornaments and expired gift cards
A Mariah-shaped clone in a cursed Santa outfit screaming exclusively in whistle notes
- A chainsaw engraved with the words: “NOT NEXT DECEMBER”
Several hundred gallons of blood-snow mixed with cheap champagne
At exactly midnight, the entity is expected to be shredded by a reindeer-shaped meat grinder, launched into a black hole behind the drum riser, and sealed away by a power chord so heavy it fractures spacetime.
If successful, the ritual’s effects will be immediate and permanent:
No Mariah in malls
No Mariah in elevators
No Mariah in gas stations
No Mariah in your nightmares
Just peace. Temporary, fragile peace.
One Night Only
Tomorrow night is rumored to be the only chance to perform this ritual — when the year dies, the new one is born, and the cosmic firewall is briefly disabled.
No tickets have been announced.
No venue has been named.
No one is officially invited.
But if December is quieter next year…
You’ll know why.
GWAR are not celebrating New Year.
They are weaponizing midnight.
