📍 LOS ANGELES — In a bold leap forward in monetizing human consciousness, Live Nation has rolled out a new policy this week: charging fans $9.99 every time they merely think about going to a concert.
“Whether you’re daydreaming about Pitbull at the amphitheater or having a half-conscious thought about maybe catching Tool if they ever tour again, that’s a monetizable moment,” said Live Nation’s Chief Innovation Parasite, Kurt Skim. “We’re proud to lead the industry in pioneering conceptual revenue harvesting™.”
The controversial new fee — listed on credit card statements as “Imagination-Based Event Curiosity Levy” — is powered by a state-of-the-art partnership with MetaMindSync, a neuro-surveillance startup funded by three former hedge fund managers and a haunted vending machine.
😶 Fans React With Dazed Horror
“I was just zoning out in class, picturing what it would be like to see Phoebe Bridgers live again,” said college sophomore Jamie Torres. “I hadn’t even opened Ticketmaster. And boom — I get a push notification: ‘You owe Live Nation $9.99 for unlicensed concert fantasy.’ What the actual hell?!”
Other fans report similar encounters, including:
A $4.99 fee for accidentally humming a Live Nation-licensed chorus
$12.50 billed for a dream involving Travis Scott on a flying shark
$29.99 “Scroll Fee” for pausing too long on a festival lineup post
💼 Live Nation Justifies It All With Science™️
“Every neural impulse that contains a concert-related fragment is technically an unpaid marketing interaction,” explained Chief Psychoeconomic Officer Lyle Grift, while balancing on a tower of untaxed sponsorship checks. “It’s only fair you compensate us for using your own brain to promote our brand.”
He added that more fees are in development, including:
“Exhalation Fees” for sighing in disappointment at ticket prices
“Hope Tax” for refreshing a tour page more than twice
“Spotify Guilt Tariff” for listening to artists Live Nation might book someday
👁 Surveillance Now Included with Every Ticket
To ensure compliance, Live Nation will begin installing “Mood Sensors” at all venues. These AI-powered devices can detect whether you’re enjoying yourself too much without having paid the optional-but-mandatory Fun Upgrade™ ($24.95 per emotion).
“If you smile for more than 8 seconds, that’s considered premium enjoyment,” said Skim. “We’re gonna need to charge you for that.”
🧠 Resistance is Futile
As of press time, Live Nation has announced a $49.99 “Opt-Out Fee” for fans who attempt to stop thinking about concerts entirely, adding:
“If you didn’t want to be billed, you shouldn’t have developed object permanence or a functioning imagination.”
Sources close to the board say the company is now exploring “in-utero fees” for fetuses who show signs of rhythmic movement, and a partnership with OpenAI to detect lyrical associations in text-based communication.
You’re already thinking about it. That’ll be $9.99, please.
