WORCESTER, MA — Forget paying rent, buying food, or keeping your dog alive—Massachusetts Sleep Token fans are facing the biggest financial decision of their lives: whether to mortgage their souls for a chance to hear “The Summoning” live.
Tickets for the band’s sold-out September 23rd show at the DCU Center have hit resale prices so astronomical they make Taylor Swift look like a free community theater gig. One fan reported dropping $418 for a seat in the “I hope you brought binoculars” section, while another listing asked a cool $39,415 for a spot close enough to maybe, possibly, see Vessel’s mask glisten under the stage lights.
Locals are already resorting to drastic measures.
College student Jason D. sold his entire blood supply to three different hospitals. “They said I looked pale, but honestly, if I faint in Section 208 it’ll feel just like worship,” he told us before collapsing.
A Worcester mom of two traded her minivan, both kids’ Nintendo Switches, and a crockpot full of chili on Facebook Marketplace for one floor ticket. “They said ‘clear view’ and I don’t even care if it’s of a pillar,” she sighed.
- One fan on Facebook Marketplace traded his entire house for a balcony seat in Section 330. The new homeowner immediately flipped it for a pit ticket.
- Local priest Father McCarthy reported several parishioners attempting to tithe their firstborn children directly to Ticketmaster. “One woman just laid her baby on the altar and whispered, ‘Section 124 or bust,’” he told reporters.
One brave fan on Craigslist offered his “lightly used left kidney” in exchange for anything in Section 200. No bites yet, but he remains optimistic.
The resale insanity has gotten so bad that fans are joking about robbing banks, pawning heirlooms, or worse—attending a Five Finger Death Punch concert instead.
Meanwhile, Sleep Token have remained silent on the situation, presumably because Vessel is too busy communing with the void to check StubHub.
By the time the band hits the stage, half the audience may be in debtors’ prison, the other half hooked up to dialysis machines after trading away both kidneys. But hey—at least they’ll be able to say: “I was there when ‘Alkaline’ cost me everything I’ve ever loved.”
