In a development so absurd even the French government sighed and said “pas encore…”, a militant faction of PETA activists has officially declared war on Gojira after the band’s recent Paris performance of “Flying Whales.”
Their accusation?
“Whale exploitation, psychic whale captivity, and emotional manipulation of cetacean identities.”
Yes. Psychic whales.
Because apparently, the giant helium automatons floating above the pit were simply too convincing, and therefore—according to a statement released by the group “PETA: Pod of Extremely Tense Activists”—must have been “real whales trapped in astral projection mode.”
THE INCIDENT
Witnesses say the activists stormed the Accor Arena wielding biodegradable pitchforks and shouting:
“FREE THE WHALES FROM THE MAAARGES OF METAL OPPRESSION!”
One activist swore she could “feel the whales’ pain vibrations through the floor,” which turned out to be just Mario Duplantier’s bass drum.
Another attempted to “communicate telepathically” with one of the whale props and was deeply offended when it didn’t respond.
GOJIRA RESPONDS
When asked for comment, Joe Duplantier reportedly blinked slowly, sighed, and said:
“Bro… they weren’t even real. They were filled with helium. We’re literally the last band on earth that would imprison a whale. We compost our guitar picks.”
PETA’S OFFICIAL DEMANDS
The activists published a list, which includes:
Immediate release of all holographic, inflatable, or imagined whales used by the band.
A public apology for “whale-themed emotional distress.”
Replacement of “Flying Whales” with a new, cruelty-free version titled “Gently Hovering Plant-Based Cetaceans.”
A yearly tribute concert where the band plays only ocean sounds.
MEANWHILE, IN THE PIT…
Fans described the show as “life-altering,” “majestic,” and “the closest I’ve come to being baptized by a giant inflatable mammal.”
One guy named Tristan said:
“I looked up, saw a whale, thought I was dying, and immediately ascended. 10/10.”
GOJIRA TOUR DATES PETA WILL PROBABLY PICKET
(aka “The Whale Liberation Tour,” according to PETA)
12/01 Rouen, FRA – Zenith de Rouen
12/02 Saint-Herblain, FRA – Zenith Nantes Metropole
12/04 Toulouse, FRA – Zenith de Toulouse
12/05 Clermont-Ferrand, FRA – Zenith de Clermont-Ferrand
12/06 Marseille, FRA – Dome Marseille
12/08 Nice, FRA – Palais Nikaia
12/09 Bordeaux, FRA – Areka Arena
12/10 Lyon, FRA – LDLC Arena
12/12 Strasbourg, FRA – Zenith Of Strasbourg
PETA has promised to show up to every date holding signs that say:
“STOP METAL WHALE CRUELTY!!”
“INFLATABLE WHALES HAVE RIGHTS!”
“BAN CETACEAN-CORE!”
