A new scientific breakthrough finally explains why metal bass players look like that.
A 2022 psychology study has attempted to decode what truly drives metal guitarists: is it sex, is it status, or is it the eternal, primal need to shred slightly faster than the guy in the other band?
But while researchers were busy analyzing guitarists, they tragically failed to ask the most important question of all: What the hell is wrong with bass players?
Let’s fix that.
🔬 THE STUDY (ACCORDING TO SCIENCE, AND US)
The original study surveyed 44 heterosexual male extreme metal guitarists and discovered:
Guitarists who focus on chords = think about sex
Guitarists who focus on speed = think about other men
Guitarists who focus on sweep picking = think about nothing but sweep picking
This led scientists to conclude that extreme metal guitar playing is less about attracting women and more about achieving dominance over other men through 280 bpm arpeggios.
Which sounds correct.
However, bassists were not included in the study — presumably because:
No one remembered to invite them
They were still tuning
Or they were outside vaping and missed the survey
🧟♂️ WHAT MOTIVATES BASS PLAYERS?
Using advanced meme science, venue observations, and 40 years of internet discourse, we can now reveal what bass players are truly motivated by:
1. Being Technically in the Band
Bassists are driven by the deep emotional need to say:
“Yeah, I’m in a band.”
Even though:
The audience can’t hear them
The sound engineer muted them
The guitarist wrote all the parts
The drummer is the only one actually doing work
But still.
They persist.
2. Standing Perfectly Still While Looking Mysterious
Unlike guitarists who flail, leap, and attempt to achieve godhood through fretboard velocity, bassists specialize in:
Slight nodding
Minimal facial expression
The “I am above this” stare into the middle distance
This creates the illusion that something important is happening.
It is not.
3. Turning Four Strings Into a Lifestyle Choice
Bass players don’t play music.
They:
“Feel the groove”
“Hold the foundation”
“Lock in with the drummer”
Which is bassist for:
“I play the same riff for seven minutes and dare you to notice.”
4. Secretly Resenting Guitarists, Loudly Resenting Drummers
Psychologists believe bassists exist in a permanent emotional triangle:
They resent guitarists for being visible
They resent drummers for being necessary
They resent themselves for buying a bass instead of a guitar in 2008
This explains the hoodie.
🧬 CONCLUSION OF THE NEW STUDY
The updated findings now read as follows:
| Instrument | Motivated By |
|---|---|
| Guitarists (chords) | Casual sex |
| Guitarists (speed) | Male dominance |
| Drummers | Chaos |
| Keyboard players | Theatre |
| Vocalists | Validation |
| Bass players | Being included |
🏁 FINAL THOUGHT
So yes — metal guitarists may be driven by rivalry, sex, or status.
But bass players?
Bass players are driven by something far more powerful:
👉 The primal desire to be needed, while being completely ignorable.
And honestly?
That might be the most metal thing of all. 😈🤘
(No bassists were harmed in the writing of this article. They just weren’t noticed.)
