FLORIDA — In what critics are calling the most bone-thin political statement of 2025, Ronnie Winter, lead vocalist of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and part-time scarecrow impersonator, has declared that if even one Trump voter sets foot at his concert, he will willingly “collapse into a beautiful, woke skeleton” and finally let anorexia “win.”
The emaciated frontman took to social media to deliver a spine-chilling message — or what’s left of his spine, anyway — looking like someone who’s been living off almond milk and TikTok comments for three years. “If you’re a Christian and you voted for Trump,” Ronnie declared, “I can smell it on you. That Big Mac guilt aura. That January 6 aftershave. Stay out of my shows, or I swear I will literally disappear.”
Fans were confused, unsure if it was a political PSA or a cry for protein.
“I don’t know what’s more offensive — his comments or the fact that his shadow looks like a microphone stand,” one former fan wrote. Others pointed out that Face Down has now apparently become a dietary warning, not a song. “Don’t listen if you ate breakfast.”
In an emotional follow-up video titled This Body Is a Woke Temple, Winter doubled down: “If I even sniff a MAGA hat in the room, I will immediately stop the set and begin a 72-hour hunger cleanse while screaming the Sermon on the Mount over a Lo-Fi beat.”
Venue staff across the country have now been warned to screen attendees for “signs of Trumpism”, including:
Overly enthusiastic “Let’s Go Brandon” belt buckles
Energy drinks purchased in bulk
Country music ringtone set to max volume
Visible signs of owning a boat
Meanwhile, Ronnie’s camp confirmed that all Trump supporters can now claim refunds and a bonus gluten-free therapy pamphlet. “We want you to feel seen, just not at our concerts,” his publicist added while microwaving a single grape.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus tour continues this summer, powered entirely by the spiritual high of canceling people and whatever calories Ronnie accidentally inhales while walking past food trucks.
