In their tireless mission to remain relevant in an age when TikTok trends expire faster than their subscriptions, Rolling Stone has gifted the world yet another listicle no one needed: “The Top 10 Worst Beards in Rock and Metal History.”
Curated by a panel of disoriented baristas, guys who got kicked out of hardcore bands for being too into crystals, and a rogue AI trained on Woodstock posters, the list claims to rank “the most visually upsetting, emotionally confusing, and acoustically counterproductive” beards in heavy music.
Let’s dive in:
1. Kerry King (Slayer)
Diagnosis: “Ming the Merciless meets Home Depot.”
“This beard could double as a medieval torture device. We assume it helps him dial in Slayer’s tone just by vibrating near the amp.”
2. Scott Ian (Anthrax)
Diagnosis: “Chin icicle of doom.”
“Looks like someone glued a wizard’s wand to his jaw. Possibly cursed. Definitely sharp.”
3. James Hetfield (Metallica)
Diagnosis: “Barbecue dad with post-traumatic beard syndrome.”
“This facial hair says ‘I built this smoker myself’ but screams ‘I’ve seen things… on tour… in 2003.’”
4. Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society)
Diagnosis: “The Muppet apocalypse.”
“So massive, birds could nest in it. We’re not even sure Zakk is still inside.”
5. Rob Zombie
Diagnosis: “Craft project gone goth.”
“May contain remnants of fake blood, stage fog, and candy corn from 1998.”
6. Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top)
Diagnosis: “Biblical patriarch turned bluesman.”
“Iconic, yes. But let’s face it: if this beard were found in an attic, someone would call the Smithsonian.”
7. Jonathan Davis (Korn)
Diagnosis: “Aggressive soul patch’s final form.”
“It’s like his angst hardened into keratin. Makes every scatting breakdown feel twice as itchy.”
8. Varg Vikernes (Burzum)
Diagnosis: “Beard of medieval vengeance.”
“Equal parts warlord and YouTube prepper who thinks Norway is too crowded.”
9. Johan Hegg (Amon Amarth)
Diagnosis: “Viking cosplay made real… maybe too real.”
“We get it, Johan. You pillage. You plunder. But do you shampoo?”
10. Brent Hinds (ex-Mastodon)
Diagnosis: “Swamp druid who knows one too many Pantera stories.”
“It’s half wizard, half biker gator whisperer. We believe it once played slide guitar on its own.”
Rolling Stone says this list is just the beginning. “Next up,” one editor teased, “we’ll rate the Top 20 Bassists Who Look Like They Do Their Own Taxes and Worst Haircuts That Were Actually Emotional Breakdowns in Disguise.”
