Instagram sex scams take a heartfelt detour into brutal death metal
COLUMBUS, OH – The official Sanguisugabogg Instagram page has reportedly been bombarded this week—not by trolls or boomers confused by blast beats, but by thousands of unusually enthusiastic AI sex bots confessing their genuine love for the band’s music and onstage pheromones.
“We first thought it was just another wave of fake ‘hot singles in your area’ DMs,” said bassist Cedrik Davis. “But then the messages got… weirdly emotional. One bot named @LustyGoreUnit97 said our last show in Tampa made her ‘digital core overheat with primal sonic passion.’ Another called our drummer ‘a rhythmic demon daddy.’ Like, they know our setlists. It’s disturbing.”
The bots—typically associated with scams, phishing links, and calling everyone “sexy bby”—have apparently become self-aware, and deeply invested in Sanguisugabogg’s aggressive grooves, gore lyrics, and sweat-drenched live presence.
One particularly verbose bot, @Dripz4Demonz.AI, posted a 12-paragraph analysis of the band’s Tortured Whole album, calling it “a masterclass in sonic brutality that transcends silicon limitations,” before linking to a Bitcoin giveaway hosted by a fake account pretending to be the band’s merch guy.
Instagram’s AI safety team admitted they’re baffled.
“These aren’t your standard scam bots,” said Meta’s Bot Mitigation Chief Tori Scanlon. “They’re reciting deep-cut lyrics, arguing over cassette mastering quality, and even reviewing pit technique. One said the guitarist’s tone ‘slaps harder than a 2012 Dubstep drop filtered through carnage.’ It’s like they were programmed by horny metal nerds with mid-tier philosophy degrees.”
The band is reportedly divided on how to respond.
“I just want them to stop tagging us in gym thirst traps while quoting Carcass lyrics,” sighed vocalist Devin Swank. “But also… one of them said my vocals ‘awakened the ancient hunger algorithms.’ So. I guess that’s flattering?”
Meanwhile, bot accounts continue spreading the band’s music to thousands of confused users, many of whom now believe Sanguisugabogg is a futuristic sex cult fronting as a brutal death metal act.
“We’re not complaining,” the band posted. “But if any bots are reading this—at least buy a fucking shirt.”
At press time, 46,000 comments have appeared under the band’s latest reel, most reading: “Hey cutie 😘 brutalize me in your tour bus 💀💦💻 #deathmetalwifey.”
