October 7, 2025 — The metal world has officially imploded after METALLICA unveiled the first letter of their next album’s title. The sacred glyph, “R,” was dropped casually by Lars Ulrich during an interview on Norwegian breakfast television, sending fans and media alike into a frenzy of cosmic speculation. Within […]
everyone hates new metallica
New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate Timeline Where Metallica Disbanded in 1991
By Thrash Turner, Alternate Realities Correspondent In a bold experiment blending science fiction and fanboy wish fulfillment, Amazon Prime has announced its latest prestige series: “Justice For All: The America That Could’ve Been.” The show takes place in an alternate timeline where Metallica disbanded immediately after releasing the Black Album […]
Wolves Spare Man In Forest After He Blasts METALLICA’s 72 Seasons: “We Can Tolerate Screaming, But Not That”
DULUTH, MINNESOTA — In a rare show of mercy from nature, a man filming promo shots for his upcoming black metal project Ravensküll Frostgeist narrowly escaped a pack of wolves in the northern Minnesota woods late Tuesday night — not with fire, not with steel, but by blasting Metallica’s 2023 […]