PHOENIX, AZ – In what may go down in history as the most heartbreaking Valentine’s Day gesture ever witnessed by humankind, local woman Emma Halloway (27) has officially severed ties with her boyfriend, Trevor “Not-So-Romantic” Harris (29), after he gifted her tickets to see The Callous Daoboys on their upcoming 20-year reunion tour. Emma, who has long professed her undying love for black metal, was—unsurprisingly—not impressed with the gesture.
“I thought he’d get me something meaningful, you know? A real gift,” Emma told us while cleaning the bloodstains off her Dark Funeral hoodie. “I was expecting a vinyl of Mork or maybe tickets to see Inquisition in the basement of some dark crypt. But instead, Trevor hands me these goddamn tickets to The Callous Daoboys. Seriously, does he even know me?”
Trevor’s Valentine’s Day pick, a “thoughtful” surprise in the form of tickets to The Callous Daoboys in Phoenix, AZ, is part of their notorious I Don’t Want to See You in Heaven tour. According to sources, Trevor had convinced himself that “anything that doesn’t have blast beats is obviously not a gift for her” and “anything with douchebag safaris would absolutely do the trick.”
“Look, I thought she’d love it,” Trevor told reporters through tears as he stared at his phone. “I Googled ‘best metal bands’ and saw that The Callous Daoboys were touring with Chiodos and, like, Hawthorne Heights? They have to be legit, right? This is a big deal, I swear!”
But Emma, clearly unimpressed, had already begun her mental breakdown as soon as she saw the phrase “Douchebag Safari” printed on the ticket.
“I almost threw up in his face when I saw that. What, does he not know that I don’t want to see the ‘douchebag safari’? I want to see the abyss of despair, not whatever this is.”
Emma, dressed in her all-black attire—complete with band patches that only 3 people in the world would recognize—remembers the crushing moment of “realization” when she found out that Lemon (track #6) wasn’t about a cult sacrifice, but instead about a fresh fruit, or some nonsense like that. As if that wasn’t enough, there’s a track called Tears on Lambo Leather featuring Adam Easterling, a man who, according to Emma, “probably doesn’t even worship chaos.”
“I literally texted my sister as soon as I saw it,” Emma said. “I was like, ‘Help, I need to burn this relationship down with holy fire.’”
After reading the full tracklist—which includes the unholy ‘Schizophrenia Legacy’ and ‘The Demon of Unreality Limping Like a Dog’—Emma’s reaction could only be described as “anxiety-induced shock.” She is currently trying to recover by spinning Mayhem albums in reverse.
“I mean, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed… and broke. And emotionally drained. And severely misrepresented as a person who loves basic ‘emo core’ instead of summoning the ancient powers of darkness.”
To make matters worse, the couple had already booked a trip to Phoenix, AZ—home of the concert venue—but Emma is refusing to go anywhere near the event. “I would rather crawl through a pit of nails and broken glass than be seen at that circus,” she muttered under her breath.
When we reached out to The Callous Daoboys for comment on this Valentine’s Day tragedy, they sent us a cryptic message: “The emotional pain we’ve caused is probably something we should feel bad about, but honestly, we don’t.”
As for Emma, she is now seeking solace in a local coffee shop, wearing her favorite black metal band shirt, and refusing to answer Trevor’s calls. “If he thought I’d enjoy this tour, then he doesn’t know anything about love,” she said. “And honestly, he’s lucky I don’t post this all over social media with a hashtag #DumpedForLikingDumbBands.”
In conclusion, it’s safe to say that Trevor’s attempt to impress Emma with a Valentine’s Day gesture has failed. But on the bright side, Trevor now has two tickets to the show. Maybe he can take his new bandwagon-friend Adam to the concert, since, you know, that’s probably who he should have been gifting tickets to in the first place.
Stay tuned for more updates on this tragic love story unfolding.
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