Fresh off their groundbreaking revelation that 70% of people would rather go to a concert than have sex, Live Nation has bravely returned with a far more important study — one that truly tests the limits of human devotion.
This time they asked 40,000 participants from 15 countries the only question that really matters:
“Would you rather attend a live concert… or receive free burgers and fries?”
And suddenly — suddenly — humanity remembered its priorities.
According to the new report, titled Living for Live… But Also Really Living for Fries, the results were dramatically different:
Live music: 3%
Burgers & fries: 97%
(Margin of error: people literally chewing during the survey.)
Turns out, we as a species are totally fine sacrificing sex in the name of rock ’n’ roll — but you try to pit a stadium show against crispy fries and sizzling burger grease, and society immediately crumbles.
One participant explained it best:
“Look, I love Metallica… but have you ever tasted perfectly salted fries at 11 PM? You can’t encore that.”
Another added:
“I can live without sex, I can live without movies, I can probably live without sunlight…
But free fries? Over my dead body.”
Additional Findings from the Live Nation Frypocalypse Report:
82% said they would absolutely sell their concert tickets if it meant an extra dipping sauce.
64% agreed that a burger is “more emotionally supportive” than their favorite artist.
91% admitted they’ve traveled internationally for a special meal, but only 7% have done the same for a band.
100% said that if Beyoncé ever announced a tour with free fries included, they would physically ascend.
Live Nation Responds
Russell Wallach, who previously said live music was “the heartbeat of global entertainment,” is now reconsidering basic human nature:
“We thought music brought people together.
Turns out… it’s carbs.”
He added that the company is already exploring new strategies, including Beyoncé’s Cowboy Carter World Tour Sponsored by Waffle Fries, and a pilot program called “Pit Access + Extra Ketchup.”
Final Conclusion
Live Nation may have discovered that people are willing to skip sex for their favorite artists — but free burgers and fries?
That’s where we draw the line.
We are fans… not monsters.
