Move over Beyoncé’s surprise drops and Taylor Swift’s deluxe everything—Hayley Williams just redefined gatekeeping art with conditioner. The Paramore frontwoman has stealth-dropped her new 17-track solo album Ego, and no, you can’t stream it, pirate it, or even whisper its name unless you first buy something from her hair dye company, Good Dye Young.
Yes, to hear Ego, you must exchange your dignity (and $12.99) for a tube of Mood Swings Magenta or Riot Red. In return, you’ll get a 16-digit access code, and possibly a lifetime subscription to confusing spam emails, weird hair-related push notifications, and text alerts asking if you’re “ready to refresh your follicles.”
The official site says if you didn’t get an email with a code, “maybe ask a friend for theirs.” Translation: “Steal your friend’s shampoo-purchase bonus content like it’s Limewire in 2004.”
Bold people, meanwhile, are not amused. “I haven’t had hair since Obama’s first term,” said one disgruntled fan on Reddit. “Now I have to pretend I care about pastel hair dye just to hear songs with names like Ice in My OJ and Brotherly Hate? What in the Etsy hell is going on here?”
But the best part? There’s no track listing available. You get a zip folder with mysterious files and pray it’s not malware disguised as Glum.mp3. If you don’t like the product or don’t even have hair, Williams isn’t offering refunds—just the gentle threat of having your inbox haunted by forever updates on “root touch-up tips for emotional growth.”
One Nashville radio station premiered Mirtazapine last week, completely unaware they were previewing an album you’d have to barter for like it’s 17th-century Europe.
In short: want to hear Hayley’s emotional journey? Lather up, or stay emotionally unwashed.
