We saw this coming! #As I Lay Dying, #As I Quit Dying, #fake news, #Tim Lambesis is hot
fake news
ARCH ENEMY Announces AI-Powered Album “Blood Dynasty”: “The Bots Get Us” Says Amott
In a groundbreaking confession during a recent interview, ARCH ENEMY’s Michael Amott finally confirmed the whispers: every note, riff, and lyric on the upcoming Blood Dynasty album was, in fact, crafted by an Artificial Intelligence. “Honestly, we figured the sound has been ‘dialed in’ for a while now,” admitted Amott, […]
David Lee Roth Launches “Slowly We Roth” OBITUARY Tribute Tour, Citing “Lack of Decibels” in His Life
In an announcement that left both hardcore metalheads and classic rock fans in a head-scratching stupor, former VAN HALEN frontman David Lee Roth has declared he’s hitting the road with a tribute tour dedicated to none other than death metal pioneers OBITUARY. Roth’s new project, ominously titled “Slowly We Roth,” […]
Tim Lambesis Has Just Quit AS I LAY DYING ‘Cause Everyone Else Did
In an unexpected twist that no one saw coming (except, well, everyone), Tim Lambesis has officially quit AS I LAY DYING, citing “extreme loneliness” after all other members and crew bailed ahead of the band’s European tour. After turning the tour bus into his personal protein den, Lambesis reportedly found […]
AS I LAY DYING Cancels Tour As Pretty Much Everyone Leaves The Band
Well, folks, it’s official: AS I LAY DYING’s highly anticipated European tour is off the table, and the reason is a little more muscle-bound than you’d expect. Following bassist Ryan Neff’s dramatic exit, citing “personal and professional reasons” (which we all know is code for “Lambesis’ sweat puddles are life-threatening”), […]
Members of PANTERA, SCORPIONS and KING KOBRA Form New Supergroup DANGEROUS ANIMALS
Members of PANTERA, SCORPIONS and KING KOBRA (masked and unnamed for now) have joined forces to create the ultimate supergroup: DANGEROUS ANIMALS. The band, with a name inspired by a bizarre conversation about zoo animals and rock star egos, has announced their first mission—creating music exclusively for quadrobers. “What’s a […]
BREAKING: ICED EARTH Vocalist Jon Schaffer Spotted Rocking ‘Voted for Kamala Harris’ Shirt
In a shocking twist that no one saw coming (except maybe the FBI), ICED EARTH’s Jon Schaffer, once known for his involvement in the Jan. 6 insurrection, has reportedly done a full 180-degree turn and is embracing the Democratic Party… at least in his wardrobe choices. Witnesses have confirmed seeing […]
Guns N’ Roses Rebrand Iconic “Welcome To The Jungle” as Senior Anthem: “Welcome To The Garden”
In an unexpected turn of events that left both rock fans and retirement communities baffled, Guns N’ Roses have officially reworked their legendary hit “Welcome To The Jungle” into a laid-back, senior-friendly anthem. Titled “Welcome To The Garden,” the band has embraced their golden years and decided to cater to […]
GUTALAX Returns From North American Mini-Tour, Blessed With Inspiration From Local Toilets
After wrapping up their whirlwind North American mini-tour, gore grind titans Gutalax have officially declared themselves “blessed and inspired” — by the unholy combination of greasy fast food and public restrooms. The Czech band, known for their gut-wrenching lyrics and bathroom humor, had no idea that America’s finest fast food […]
P Diddy Offers Himself as Satanic Sacrifice at DEICIDE Show — Glen Benton Considers as “Revenge for Tupac”
After a series of shocking charges that make even the wildest metal lyrics seem tame, Sean “Diddy” Combs has found an unexpected solution to his legal troubles: full-blown Satanic sacrifice. With charges including racketeering, sex trafficking, and claims of involvement in Tupac’s murder, the hip-hop mogul has apparently thrown in […]