As I Lay Dying’s unstoppable comeback tour—currently powered by one original member and a mountain of second chances—has sparked some healthy internet skepticism. After releasing the new single “Echoes,” one fan commented that the band’s return looks like a “money grab.”
Tim Lambesis, never one to let a good PR moment slip, fired back:
“0% chance you have even the slightest idea how the music industry works. I sold all my motorcycles just to get this back on track. It’s pure passion.”
Reports confirm the motorcycles have indeed been liquidated. Tim now arrives at practice on a rented Bird scooter, armed only with pre-workout powder and a dream.
In a totally unofficial but spiritually accurate follow-up, Lambesis allegedly added:
“If this still doesn’t work out, I’ll sell my entire steroid supply next. I’ll go clean, emotionally and hormonally. And yeah—OnlyFans is on the table. Don’t worry, ladies… for the first time in my career, you will be completely safe.”
Sources say the potential OnlyFans content will include:
$4.99/month – “Wholesome Flexes & Apology Reels”
$25 – “Watch me bench press while explaining why this isn’t a cash grab”
$75 VIP Tier – “Choose my protein flavor and breakdown tempo”
$150 Legendary Tier – Includes a certificate stating “Tim Legally Can’t Hire Anyone For Anything Ever Again.”
Music critics predict the OnlyFans will outsell the album by week two.
