In the wake of Russia’s Supreme Court officially banning the International Movement of Satanists — a shadowy, threatening group that absolutely no one can prove exists — panic has erupted in the nation’s thriving black metal underground.
“We’ve never heard of this group,” insists Vladislav “CorpseRider” Sokolov, frontman of GoatWarlock666, a band famous for album titles like Burn the Patriarch with Frozen Moonlight and Vomit Upon the Cross of Law. “We’re just misunderstood performance artists. The goat heads, fire pits, and upside-down crosses are purely aesthetic. You think we have time for ideology between tuning our guitars to Drop Z and applying corpse paint for six hours?”
The Supreme Court’s move, which somehow declared war on a movement nobody can locate on a map or in a chatroom, was met with thunderous approval by Russian state media — and slightly less thunderous, extremely nervous applause from musicians who now fear their next rehearsal could be mistaken for an extremist ritual.
“I tried to tell them I’m a Buddhist,” whispered Andrei “FrostSpasm” Ivanov from the blackened doom unit Siberian Crypt Mist, who says he’s started attending Orthodox Church services “just in case someone’s watching.” “Last week I was reading a Lovecraft novel on the metro and some old lady screamed ‘SATANIST!’ and threw holy water at me. Joke’s on her, it was vodka.”
The Prosecutor General’s Office claims this imaginary movement promotes “radical nationalism, neo-Nazism, and desecration of Orthodox churches” — an accusation met with confusion even among die-hard black metal fans.
“Wait… so the imaginary Satanists are nationalists and against the Church? That’s some heavy plot development,” noted Dmitry Smirnov, a fan from Omsk, while browsing vinyls at a record store named Riffs of Blasphemy. “Is this the new MCU phase?”
At least one band has responded with entrepreneurial flair. Pagan metal pranksters Permafrost Goatfog announced a new tour called Not Satanists, Just Sad featuring an all-acoustic set, mandatory robes, and live goats for emotional support. Their new single, We Respect All Religions, Especially Yours Mr. Prosecutor, drops next week.
Meanwhile, the Russian Orthodox Church has doubled down, urging citizens to report “Satanic behavior,” which reportedly includes:
Wearing too much black
Growling instead of singing
Playing blast beats above 280 BPM
Owning more than three candles
Music festival organizers are now required to submit full spiritual background checks for all performers, along with a signed statement affirming they’ve “never once summoned Beelzebub, even as a joke.”
Despite the surreal turn of events, one anonymous musician summed it up best:
“We used to get arrested for drugs and noise complaints. Now we might get arrested for imaginary affiliations with imaginary cults. Honestly, it’s kind of metal.”
Coming soon: Russia bans ghosts, goblins, and the international movement of people who think mayonnaise is spicy.
