“I don’t know what they’re saying, but it sounds illegal.”
In a shocking yet somehow entirely predictable turn of events, Donald Trump found himself spiraling down a musical rabbit hole after accidentally listening to BRUJERIA’s 2000 album Brujerizmo, mistaking it for a new Taco Bell menu item.
According to sources close to the Mar-a-Lago DJ booth (which is just a guy named Greg who has an iPod Nano), Trump was reportedly looking for “something spicy, something Latino, maybe Ricky Martin,” but was instead served a full plate of brutal Mexican deathgrind with a side of unrelenting anti-authoritarian rage.
“These people—who are they? BRUJERIA? That means witchcraft. WITCHCRAFT!” Trump shouted during an impromptu Truth Social livestream, waving the album artwork like it was a forged birth certificate. “They’re singing in Spanish, folks. Spanish. I couldn’t understand a word. That’s suspicious. That’s not music, that’s a border threat!”
The president, visibly disturbed after hearing the track El Bajón, reportedly thought he was experiencing symptoms of a government-engineered psychedelic attack. “I heard growling, screaming… possibly a voodoo hex. They’re talking about drugs, machetes, and revolutions. This is Antifa with a drum kit!”
He has since demanded a full investigation into the band, suggesting that ICE agents should start patrolling Spotify and that any music with more than 70% Spanish content should be flagged by Homeland Security.
BRUJERIA’s spokesperson, “Fantasma” (probably not his real name, but that only adds to Trump’s paranoia), responded via Instagram with a picture of a goat skull wearing a MAGA hat and the caption: “Come and get us, güey.”
When asked if he plans to listen to the rest of the Brujeria discography, Trump said, “Absolutely not. But we’re building a wall around my Spotify account just in case.”
