VANCOUVER — Language learning app Duolingo has announced the addition of a brand-new “Archspire” course, finally giving users the opportunity to master the blistering hyperspeed vocals of Canadian tech-death pioneers Archspire.
“It’s part of our mission to preserve endangered languages — and none are disappearing faster than the syllables in an Archspire verse,” said Duolingo representative Amanda Klein. “Most listeners can only catch about three consonants before their ears explode. That’s why we’ve designed this course to help people keep up without suffering brain hemorrhages.”
The app introduces beginners to common Archspire phrases such as:
“BLRAAAGHRRRAHHHH” — meaning “good morning.”
“SHPTHLLBLLGHZZZT” — meaning “I’m stuck in traffic.”
“TECHTECHTECHTECH” — which roughly translates to “pass the salt.”
Early users report that the app has already transformed their daily lives.
“I used to struggle just ordering food at a metal show,” said beta tester Greg Hanley. “But now I can confidently scream BLLRRAAGHHGHHRHHH DOUBLE CHEESE NO PICKLES at the top of my lungs and the Burger King cashier doesn’t even flinch. It’s empowering.”
The Duolingo Archspire course also features a unique “400 BPM Mode,” where the app forces users to recite tongue-twisters at quadruple speed while blast beats play in the background. Failure to keep tempo results in the app sending a push notification that simply reads, “Stay Tech.”
“It’s not about learning a language, it’s about surviving one,” added Klein. “We expect Archspire-speak to overtake English in Canada within the decade, mostly because no one will be able to stop them.”
At press time, Duolingo confirmed they are also working on a “Cannibal Corpse” course, though so far every phrase just translates to “kill someone in a slightly different way.”
