In a move of impeccable timing and sheer marketing genius, classic rock legends EAGLES have announced a U.S. tour mere moments after the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LIX.
“We heard the city was celebrating,” said Don Henley, “so we figured—why not give the people what they really want? A victory parade followed by a Hotel California singalong.”
According to the band’s management, the announcement came before the game clock even hit zero, as EAGLES members were already certain of the win. “We had the press release typed up and ready. As soon as Mahomes threw that last incomplete pass, we hit send,” confirmed an anonymous tour promoter.
Expecting Instant Sellout
The band is fully convinced that Philadelphia Eagles fans—high on victory, beer, and the sheer chaos of Broad Street celebrations—will snap up every ticket in record time.
“Philly fans love Eagles,” continued Henley. “The team, the band—it’s all the same after enough drinks. We expect at least 50,000 people to show up in Jalen Hurts jerseys, wondering why Jason Kelce isn’t playing drums.”
Ticket sales will begin exactly one hour after the final whistle, because, as Joe Walsh bluntly put it, “that’s how long it takes for drunk football fans to realize they just spent $500 on concert tickets.”
Merch Madness
In honor of the Super Bowl connection, the band will be rolling out exclusive Eagles/EAGLES crossover merch, including:
- “Take It Easy” Tailgate Sets (grills and coolers that play the song on loop)
- “Life in the Fast Lane” Beer Helmets (for optimal stadium parking lot chugging)
- Limited Edition Vinyl, Scratched by a Celebrating Eagles Fan Climbing a Traffic Pole
When asked if the band would cancel the tour should the Eagles fail to sell out stadiums, Henley shrugged:
“Hell no. If things go south, we’ll just rename the whole thing the Steely Dan Farewell Tour and double the ticket prices.”
The tour kicks off in Philadelphia, assuming the city is still standing after the celebrations.
#Eagles bowl, #fake news, #fly eagles fly, #hotel philadelphia
