In what scientists are already calling “an unexpected but entirely avoidable development,” Deftones guitarist Stephen Carpenter has reportedly weighed in on the recent Artemis II — and, in a shocking twist, remains unconvinced by the concept of reality.
Yes, while humanity celebrates sending astronauts around the Moon for the first time in over half a century, Carpenter has bravely stepped forward to ask the question no one else dared to ask:
“But what if the Moon… is also flat?”
A Bold New Frontier: Flat Space Theory™
According to absolutely unverified sources (and the spiritual energy of several YouTube comments sections), Carpenter allegedly expressed concerns that:
- The Moon appears “too spherical to be trusted”
- Shadows in space are “doing things”
- Astronauts look “unnecessarily dimensional”
“We’re just supposed to believe this?” he did not technically say, but spiritually communicated.
He further elaborated (again, in the realm of vibes rather than confirmed quotes) that the entire mission feels like:
“A high-budget screensaver with emotional manipulation.”
NASA Responds (Internally, Probably)
While NASA has not issued an official statement, insiders suggest the agency briefly considered responding before deciding:
“Let’s just… keep going to space.”
Engineers working on Artemis missions reportedly paused for 3.5 seconds, sighed collectively, and returned to doing actual orbital mechanics.
The Real Questions We Should Be Asking
Carpenter’s theoretical framework (which currently exists somewhere between philosophy and a group chat at 2 AM) raises several critical questions:
- If the Earth is flat… and the Moon is flat…
→ are they like… coasters? - If astronauts go around the Moon…
→ are they just politely circling the edge? - If gravity exists…
→ is it also flat, or just emotionally unavailable?
Eyewitness Testimony (Highly Reliable)
One imaginary astronaut aboard Artemis II reported the following:
“We looked out the window and the Moon appeared… round. Like… aggressively round.”
Mission control responded:
“Have you tried not believing your eyes?”
A New Era of Space Exploration
Carpenter’s ideas may revolutionize space travel as we know it. Future missions could include:
- Artemis IV: Edge Landing
(Carefully placing one foot on the “corner” of the Moon) - Artemis V: 2D Navigation
(All spacecraft must now operate on a strictly horizontal plane) - Artemis VI: Emotional Orbit
(You don’t go around the Moon — you just feel like you did)
Final Thoughts From This Dimension
While scientists continue to rely on “math,” “physics,” and “observable reality,” Carpenter reminds us that:
Sometimes, the real journey… is ignoring all of that completely.
At press time, the Moon remains:
- round
- distant
- and completely unaware it has been downgraded to a cosmic frisbee
Meanwhile, astronauts continue their journey home, still tragically not flat.
But give it time.
