Liquid Death and Depend face legal heat after mosh-related moisture incident
DENVER, CO — The mosh pit. A sacred arena of sweat, beer, questionable shirtlessness, and occasionally… bladder control issues. But for 320-pound lifelong Metallica fan Todd “Crusher” McMichaels, things took a turn from hardcore to horrifying during a recent stadium show when his highly anticipated $75 Pit Diaper exploded mid-“Seek and Destroy.”
The product, a now-infamous collaboration between Liquid Death and adult diaper brand Depend, was designed to keep diehard fans from missing a single riff or bass drop by allowing them to pee in place without shame. But shame came crashing down harder than Lars on a crash cymbal.
“It was during the breakdown,” explained Todd, seated in a courtroom wearing a faded Master of Puppets tour shirt and a courtroom-appropriate denim vest. “I was headbanging so hard I thought I was ascending. Then I felt it. A warm tsunami. Then cold. Then screams.”
According to witnesses in the pit, the diaper burst like a water balloon filled with hot Red Bull, showering three Slipknot fans, one off-duty priest, and a 9-year-old girl in line for her first circle pit. “At first, I thought the sprinklers went off,” said one witness. “Then I smelled it. And I knew. That was not stage fog.”
Todd is now suing both Liquid Death and Depend for $5 million, claiming emotional distress, chafing, and “a loss of metal dignity.” His lawyer, who wore fingerless gloves in court “to honor the scene,” argues the product failed under “mosh-typical” stress and had “no business claiming it was pit-certified.”
Liquid Death released a brief statement, printed in Old English font on a napkin soaked in fake blood:
“We stand by our product. It was built for intensity, but not for 320 pounds of unrelenting thrash ecstasy. That said, we salute this man’s commitment to the riff.”
Meanwhile, Depend remains silent, though insiders suggest they’re working on a new reinforced “Double Bass Blaster Edition” for fans who push past bladder physics in the name of metal.
As for Todd, he’s not giving up. “This ain’t the end. I’ll be back in the pit. I’ll just double-diaper next time. Maybe even duct tape. Because when James Hetfield points at you during ‘Seek and Destroy,’ you don’t walk away. You destroy. Even your dignity.”
Stay tuned for the trial. It’s shaping up to be the most metal class-action lawsuit in adult diaper history.
#and justice for all liquid, #destroy the diaper, #fake news
