In an announcement that shook the very fabric of reality (and quite possibly Zack de la Rocha’s vocal cords), RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE confirmed they will headline tomorrow’s Trump inauguration party. The once fiery bastion of anti-establishment rhetoric is set to perform their iconic hits like Killing in the Name and Know Your Enemy—with a surprising twist: they’ve rewritten the lyrics to reflect their newfound appreciation for tax cuts and big oil.
Guitarist Tom Morello, long regarded as a staunch advocate for social justice, surprised fans during a press conference when he stated, “You know, after years of raging against the machine, I realized—what if I am the machine? Republicans are really just misunderstood freedom fighters.” He then added, “Plus, those donor dinners are delicious. Who knew lobster could taste this good when it’s subsidized?”
Sources reveal the setlist will feature a reworked version of Bulls on Parade, now titled Bulls on Wall Street, and a heartfelt ballad, Sleep Now in the Capitalist Dream. Rumor has it the band will also debut a new track titled Make America Rage Again, in which Morello shreds on a custom guitar shaped like the Republican elephant logo.
Meanwhile, longtime fans are in disbelief. “Is this some kind of elaborate performance art?” asked one fan, clutching his vintage Battle of Los Angeles vinyl. Others speculate the entire band has been replaced by AI clones after a glitch in their Spotify algorithm sent them on a five-hour Ben Shapiro podcast binge.
Trump himself is reportedly thrilled. “Tremendous band, the best band, people are saying it’s the most raging band ever,” he said. “Tom Morello—great guy, always says ‘yes’ to me now, which I appreciate. Zack? We’re still working on him.”
The event promises to be a spectacle for the ages, with RAGE performing alongside Kid Rock and Ted Nugent, who will join in for an epic, 12-minute jam session of Freedom—now rebranded as Liberty for the Elite. Scalpers are already charging $666 per ticket, which organizers are calling “a perfectly symbolic price.”
As Morello wrapped up his press conference, he left fans with one final thought: “I used to think the system was broken, but it turns out I just needed a better seat at the table. And let me tell you—it’s really nice up here.”
