In a shocking twist that no one saw coming (except maybe the FBI), ICED EARTH’s Jon Schaffer, once known for his involvement in the Jan. 6 insurrection, has reportedly done a full 180-degree turn and is embracing the Democratic Party… at least in his wardrobe choices. Witnesses have confirmed seeing Schaffer strolling down the streets, not in a black leather jacket or a bullet belt, but in a brand-new t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Voted for Kamala Harris Today” in neon letters that glow under UV light.
Yes, you heard it right. The man who once waved the flag of rebellion is now waving the flag of… the Democratic National Committee? Even more curiously, neighbors have reported that Schaffer’s house has undergone a serious makeover, with Democratic Party symbols sprinkled across his lawn like political confetti. Some even claim that there’s a life-sized cardboard cutout of Bernie Sanders in his mittens, sitting on Schaffer’s porch next to a freshly painted “Harris-Walz 2024” sign.
When asked about his new look, Schaffer reportedly shrugged and said, “I’m just trying to keep the government happy, man. Plus, Kamala’s merch is way comfier than Oath Keeper gear. You ever tried those polyester blends?”
Rumor has it that Schaffer’s new community service gig involves hosting “Yoga for Unity” classes at his local park, with a playlist of Metallica covers played on ukulele and featuring ICED EARTH’s rarest B-side, “Democracy is Cool Again.” It’s unclear how well Schaffer’s new fanbase of left-leaning yogis is mixing with his old fans, but one thing’s for sure: his next album might just be titled “From Capitol to Capitol Hill: A Political Odyssey.”
Insiders say Schaffer’s pivot has been so thorough that he’s even been spotted changing the name of his side project to MELTED EARTH, though some suspect it might just be a clever plot to troll his way out of house arrest.
Whether this is the ultimate rebrand or the longest community service stunt ever pulled, the world will be watching as Schaffer embarks on his latest chapter: life as the most unpredictable figure in metal… and possibly politics.
#all parties suck anyways, #fake news, #Iced Earth, #Jon Schaffer, #real politics