MONTREAL, QC – Last night, doom metal aficionados gathered at Les Foufounes Électriques to witness Swallow The Sun’s North American tour, but local residents had a slightly different interpretation of events. Hearing a mix of wailing men, slow dirges, and an overall atmosphere of crushing despair, concerned Montrealers assumed they had stumbled upon the most elaborate funeral procession in recent memory.
“I was just walking by, and I saw all these long-haired men in black, some crying, some hugging,” said local café owner Pierre Tremblay. “I thought, ‘Mon Dieu, someone important must have passed! Maybe an underground poet or an avant-garde filmmaker.'”
Displaying peak Canadian kindness—and perhaps a hint of post-Valentine’s cleanup—locals immediately rushed to contribute to the “grieving” metalheads, offering armfuls of flowers and discarded Valentine’s teddy bears. “I got this bear from my ex,” confessed one woman who preferred to remain anonymous. “I was going to throw it out, but if it brings comfort to a mourning Finnish man, then it served a purpose.”
Unaware of the unintended wake they were hosting, Swallow The Sun and their tourmates Harakiri For The Sky, Ghost Bath, and Snakes of Russia only realized what had happened when they emerged from the venue to find their tour bus buried in bouquets, plush animals, and heartfelt notes that read, “Stay strong,” and “He’s in a better place now.”
Guitarist Juha Raivio was reportedly touched but also mildly confused. “At first, I thought we had lost a band member and just forgot,” he admitted. “Then I realized… no, this is just how we always sound.”
Now rolling into their next tour stops with a bus that smells like a cemetery on Mother’s Day, the band has decided to embrace their newfound role as “the saddest event of the year.” Merch tables now offer limited-edition “I Attended Swallow The Sun’s Funeral and All I Got Was This Lousy Shirt” t-shirts, and fans are encouraged to bring even more discarded romantic gifts to continue the tradition.
Meanwhile, local florists have reported a significant boom in business. “We haven’t sold this many lilies since the last Leonard Cohen tribute night,” noted a vendor outside the venue.
The tour continues, now officially rebranded as “The Unintentional Mourning Procession 2025.” Fans are encouraged to wear black (as if they weren’t already), bring their best grief faces, and if possible, contribute any unwanted Valentine’s Day merchandise to keep the melancholic roadshow alive.
The remaining dates are:
02/24 New York, NY @ Gramercy Theater
02/25 Baltimore, MD @ Baltimore Soundstage
02/26 Greensboro, NC @ Hangar 1819
02/27 Atlanta, GA @ The Earl
02/28 Orlando, FL @ Conduit
03/01 Pensacola, FL @ Handlebar
03/02 Houston, TX @ Parish Room @ House of Blues
03/03 Austin, TX @ Come And Take It Live
03/04 Albuquerque, NM @ Launch Pad
03/05 Phoenix, AZ @ Rebel
03/06 San Diego, CA @ Brick By Brick
03/07 Los Angeles, CA @ Echoplex
03/08 San Francisco, CA @ Neck of The Woods
03/09 Portland, OR @ Bossanova Ballroom
03/10 Seattle, WA @ El Corazon
03/12 Salt Lake City, UT @ Metro Music Hall
03/13 Denver, CO @ Bluebird Theater
03/14 Omaha, NE @ Reverb
03/15 Chicago, IL @ Reggies
