In an announcement that shook the very fabric of reality (and quite possibly Zack de la Rocha’s vocal cords), RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE confirmed they will headline tomorrow’s Trump inauguration party. The once fiery bastion of anti-establishment rhetoric is set to perform their iconic hits like Killing in the Name […]
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HELL FIRE Turns Up the Heat: Paris Hilton, Heavy Metal, and California Dreamin’
San Francisco’s speed metal torchbearers HELL FIRE have announced their most ironic project yet—an extreme metal version of “California Dreaming” dedicated to none other than Paris Hilton. Why, you ask? It turns out that Hilton’s Malibu mansion recently went up in flames amid the ongoing chaos of the LA wildfires. […]
BEHEMOTH Disbands After Nergal’s Unexpected Christmas Blessing Post Sparks Internal Chaos
In a shocking turn of events, Polish blackened death metal titans BEHEMOTH announced their immediate disbandment today after frontman Adam “Nergal” Darski posted a Christmas blessings card on his Facebook page. The post, featuring a festive goat donning a Santa hat and the message “Merry Christmas, Infernal Hordes,” has left […]
Sick New World 2025 Canceled Due to Metallica and Linkin Park’s Ridiculous Demands: Fried Worm Butts and Alien Afterparty Among Top Requests
Las Vegas, NV — The much-anticipated Sick New World 2025 festival has officially been canceled, and while official statements cite “financial challenges,” insiders reveal the real reason behind the debacle: Metallica and Linkin Park’s insane rider demands. Forget financial strain; this festival was torpedoed by two headliners living in a […]
Blackie Lawless Claims “Democratic Bite” Led to Pro-Trump Stance: “Republicans Don’t Bite as Hard”
In an unexpected twist, W.A.S.P. frontman Blackie Lawless has revealed the true inspiration behind his pro-Trump rally at the Hammerstein Ballroom last week: a harrowing encounter with an overly enthusiastic Democrat. During a November 19 Q&A session, Lawless shared the shocking confession. “The night I turned Republican was the night […]
DEICIDE Announce Children’s Christmas Album: “Sleigh Bells and Hell Spells”
In a shocking move that has already baffled metalheads and moms alike, death metal legends DEICIDE have announced their first-ever Christmas album for children, “Sleigh Bells and Hell Spells”. The band insists this is their way of spreading “seasonal Satanic joy” to the next generation. “We’ve conquered the adult market,” […]
PRIMUS Welcomes Spencer Prewett on Drums—Band to Play 100x Faster or Else
Experimental rock legends Primus have taken their quirky sense of humor to new heights by hiring Spencer Prewett, former drummer for Canadian tech-death outfit Archspire, as their new rhythm wizard. The announcement came with one shocking twist: the band’s signature offbeat grooves are getting a warp-speed makeover. Les Claypool issued […]
Perry Farrell Challenges Mike Tyson to a Fight, Promises to Serenade Him Post-Victory
In a move that can only be described as “peak rock star delusion,” Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell has publicly declared his desire to step into the ring with none other than Mike Tyson. Yes, that Mike Tyson. Inspired by Jake Paul’s recent victory over the 58-year-old boxing legend, Farrell […]
Elon Musk Appointed to Lead the Newly Formed National Department of Death and Black Metal
In an unexpected twist, sources have confirmed that Elon Musk has finally secured a powerful role in President-elect Donald Trump’s administration as the first-ever head of the National Department of Death and Black Metal. The announcement came just hours after a raucous dinner at Mar-a-Lago, where Musk and Trump reportedly […]
MORBID ANGEL Bows Out of ‘Devastation On The Nation’ Tour as Trey Azagthoth Chooses Sobriety — and Salvation?
Metal fans braced for impact today as news broke that MORBID ANGEL won’t be joining the much-anticipated Devastation On The Nation tour. Word on the street is that guitarist Trey Azagthoth has quit drinking, joined AA, and is… well, rediscovering sobriety and the sacred. After a few weeks in, Trey […]