Washington, D.C. — In a shocking yet completely on-brand revelation this morning, President Donald J. Trump admitted that he begins each workday by blasting a death metal album—claiming it “sets the tone” for his daily decisions. Today’s inspiration? Slowly We Rot by Florida’s finest, OBITUARY.
“This is the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard—so raw, so powerful,” Trump said while casually sipping a Diet Coke and wearing a “Death Metal For Life” hoodie. “It’s like jazz, but better, and with more rotting. Tremendous rotting.”
Flanked by confused GOP members and one very enthusiastic corpse-painted intern, Trump unveiled his latest policy proposal: “Deathcare: Rot With Dignity.”
“Here’s the deal,” Trump explained. “Under Deathcare, Americans will be given a choice—to slowly rot in comfort, or quickly rot with savings. It’s all about freedom. And blast beats.”
He then went on to clarify that:
Hospital gowns will be replaced with vintage Cannibal Corpse shirts.
Anesthetics will be replaced with “Face-Melting Riffs™.”
And instead of therapy, patients will be treated with hourly readings from the lyrics of Glen Benton and Chuck Schuldiner.
When asked about the scientific basis of the plan, Trump responded: “Look, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve seen doctors. Some of them have neck tattoos. Very smart people. Very brutal.”
Sources close to the campaign confirmed that yesterday’s foreign policy decisions were heavily inspired by NILE’s Annihilation of the Wicked, while last week’s unexpected interest in urban composting stemmed from listening to CATTLE DECAPITATION on shuffle.
OBITUARY, meanwhile, has responded positively. In a joint statement, the band said, “We didn’t expect our 1989 album to influence the healthcare system, but we’re honored. Also, someone tell him we have newer stuff.”
When asked what’s on tomorrow’s playlist, Trump hinted with a smile: “Thinking maybe some Effigy of the Forgotten—we’re working on education reform.”
Stay tuned for updates. Or don’t. Either way… you’re rotting.
