WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump’s latest attempt to classify Antifa as a “MAJOR TERRORIST ORGANIZATION” has already sparked confusion, but now, according to one anonymous White House staffer, the real threat might not be Antifa at all — it’s Burzum posters mysteriously appearing inside the West Wing.
The staffer, visibly sweating while talking to reporters, admitted:
“Look, I’m not supposed to say this, but someone has taped Burzum album covers in the Roosevelt Room. Like, straight-up ‘Filosofem’ art over the fireplace. And yesterday I swear I heard Vice President J.D. Vance humming something that sounded way too Norwegian for comfort.”
Things escalated after Vance walked into a morning briefing sporting a freshly-shaved haircut that one aide described as “a little too Varg Vikernes-esque.” Panic reportedly spread among White House interns who whispered whether this was a new political strategy or just “grim early-’90s black metal cosplay.”
Trump, meanwhile, appeared unfazed.
“I don’t know this Burzum. Is he a guy? Is he a group? Maybe a terrorist group. We’re looking into it. We might have to designate them too. Very dangerous music. Horrible production quality, by the way — people tell me I have the best ear for music. Way better than Antifa.”
Attorney General Pam Bondi later clarified that Burzum was, in fact, a “Norwegian one-man band,” though she admitted she wasn’t entirely sure if it counted as a “domestic terror threat.”
“Does Spotify count as providing material support?” she asked nervously.
For now, the White House remains divided. Some aides fear that by confusing Antifa with obscure Scandinavian black metal, Trump might accidentally declare war on Scandinavia itself. Others point out that declaring Burzum a terrorist organization could finally unite America’s metalheads with suburban moms who just want to stop hearing about “grimness and frostbitten landscapes” at PTA meetings.
As for Vance’s haircut, the anonymous staffer sighed:
“All I know is, if he shows up in chainmail next week, I’m resigning.”
